18 Days and A Song

This blog has been silent for such a long time because I didn't feel like I could make any posts until I wrote this one.  This one had to be next, but I just wasn't ready.  I'm still not ready, really, but the time has come:

Summer is my time to relax, rejuvenate, and recharge.  Not this past summer.  Summer held many stressful events and a couple of surprises this year.  Now, I don't want you to think I am whining.  I know that people go through hardship each and every day, but this summer knocked me on my ass! I have been surrounded with a loving, strong family all of my life.  I was nurtured, taught, supported, loved, and enabled to become an independent, responsible woman.  Family can be smothering at times, but when the going gets tough, we really learn who we can depend on.  The Colton side of my family is wonderful and more reserved.  I grew up with cousins that became friends that I cherish to this day.  Grammy, Grandy, Uncle Frank and Aunt Linda were (are) an important and special part of my life.  As for the Schneider side of the family, I was the first grandchild, the first girl after three boys, and very much loved!  (As were my sister and brother, along with the cousins that followed)  Some of my most fond childhood memories are from the oval table in the kitchen of that house across from the Primary school in Kirksville. This blog is about my Schneider family.

In my life there were always these very strong, dependable men.  Grandpa Earl, Dad, Gary, these Schneider men were my "heroes".  When there was a need - they were there.  Often, I felt that was intrusive, but looking back.................I am so fortunate!  Dad always provided what we needed, when something needed to be built - including a doghouse for a dog I should have never had - Grandpa was there, and when it came time to move across the country Gary, Pennie, and the kids loaded up a trailer and hauled it to Washington.  These men are the foundation of my world!  Always there, always strong, always loving.  Grandpa died before he was able to meet my son Andrew - his namesake - but I know he and Grandma have watched from heaven and love my son as much as they loved me.

Fast forward - I returned to Kirksville in 1998, needing the love and support and shelter of my family.  Of course, they were there.  This time it didn't feel intrusive; this time it felt cocooning.  I retreated into the shelter they provided and attempted to heal.  Mom and Dad were my rock and Gary was there whenever I asked for help. I didn't ask often, but when I did he dropped everything and came running!  Gary and I had a very special relationship.  The age differences in the Schneider family were odd.  My father was 13 years older than his brother (Gary) and I was only 10 years younger than Gary.  He was my "knight in shining armor" growing up - the coolest thing since sliced bread - and was still that pillar of strength now as an adult. He was always there - and was always able to help when Mom and Dad needed help.  In fact, I didn't have to feel entirely responsible for making decisions - Gary was always there to bounce ideas off of.  When there was a problem - Gary was the man.  When Andrew's truck stopped in the middle of the highway - Gary was the man to call.  When we needed a place to hold Andrew's graduation party that was outdoors and handicapped accessible - my father had been very ill in March and Andrew's other grandfather had serious mobility issues - Gary provided the place; that same home and yard across from the Primary school in Kirksville - the wonderful place of my memories.

We knew Gary hadn't been feeling tip top - he was struggling with some lingering respiratory issue, but none of us knew how poorly he felt.  I was committed to making the graduation party as stress-free as possible for Gary and Pennie, and we even used the camper kitchen instead of using their indoor kitchen for the party.  The day of the party we were getting everything put together and it became more clear to me that something was going on with Gary, but he insisted that it was just allergies and that he had been to the doctor.  The party was a HUGE success, Gary and Rob were the grill masters for some awesome brats, and everything went off without a hitch.  The nagging concern about my uncle fell to the back of my mind as we all set our sights on my father and his hip replacement surgery in June.  We got periodic updates from Pennie; Gary had seen the doctor several more times, but nothing definitive had surfaced.  He just didn't feel well.  Then came the first day of July.

Dad was inpatient at the hospital for rehab on the hip and we had word that Gary had entered the ER at NERMC.  We knew he was going to go, as he hadn't been able to eat and keep food down for a couple of weeks.  The diagnosis came quickly and he was transferred to Columbia on that same day. Gary had lung cancer.  Advanced lung cancer.  He had been a heavy smoker, so it wasn't unexplainable, but it was devastating, of course.  They were able to shrink the tumors with radiation and make him more comfortable and sent him home the next week. The wait began for the diagnosis and the treatment plan.  I saw him three times after that, and cried each time I left.  Three weeks passed - 17 days.  Gary had an appointment in Columbia on a Friday and Dad had an appointment with his doctor on a Thursday.  It was decided that we would take Dad to see Gary after his appointment.  Andrew and I met Mom and Dad at Gary's house.  Pennie said Gary wasn't having a good day, and Dad wanted to go home.  Something inside me snapped.  "NO!  You are going in today!  We are not waiting ANOTHER day!" I am so glad I threw this tantrum.  Gary died the next day.  He had been in and out of awareness for several days, but when Dad entered the room he called him "Geno"  Gary often called Dad that, so I knew he recognized him.  That was it, Gary died the next day - the 18th day.  I was in Des Moines by then, attending a baby shower for John's daughter Tori.  Honestly, I didn't cry.  It was more like shock!  I kept walking around, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.  I just remember my eyes being open, John staying right at my side, and going through the motions of the weekend.

The visitation was brutal.  We stood in line for 3 hours greeting friends.  What a testament to this man that was such a large part of my life.  I was strong - have been strong.  The service was lovely.  I offered to try to sing, but I wasn't sure I really could and Heath and Carrie and Pennie decided it wasn't a good idea for me to even try.  They planned recorded music for the service. When we arrived and saw the order of service, the name of the first song seemed so strange.  Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan.  "Oh, no!" I thought.  "What in the world is this?"  I hadn't heard the song, was only marginally aware of Mr. Bryan as a performer, and haven't traditionally been a fan of country music - although my stance had been wavering with the entrance of John Henderson in my life.

We sat in the family room at the funeral home - one row behind Pennie, Heath, and Carrie.  Let me tell you, I will never, ever question Heath Schneider on song choices again.  That song - Drink A Beer - was PERFECT.  It was the PERFECT song for Gary.  I can picture him, laughing with his head back, drinking a beer in so many of my memories.  I loved my Uncle Gary so much, I miss him so much.  My life would not be the same without him, isn't the same without him.  I don't know how to explain it except by saying that a "layer" of my family is missing.  There were my grandparents, my parents, Gary, and my siblings.  My grandparents passed away - as they do.  My parents are aging -
as they do, but Gary isn't supposed to be gone!  It wasn't his time, it's not fair and I have been angry!  The anger has subsided now, but the hole is still gaping.  We don't speak of love in the Schneider family often, but it is there.  It is ALWAYS there - strong and unwavering!  I hope that I offer even a 10th of the support to Gary's children and grandchildren as he provided me.

Here is the link to the Luke Bryan song Drink A Beer.  BTW:  He has become my new favorite artist. I think my conversion to a country music fan might have to be another blog entry!  :)  Until later Friends!

Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan

Finding Mr. Darcy

Hello friends!  It's been a long time, but I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  It should come as NO surprise that I have had an obsession with Colin Firth for many years now.  I love him!  My original passion stemmed from his role in the Bridget Jones movies.  As sad as it is, I was not very aware of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice masterpiece as a youth.  I never read it, although I had heard of it.  I made the assumption, as young people often do, that it would be boring because it was so old and un-hip.  It is with maturity that we realize that many of the things we dismiss in our early years are actually something we adore.  Because of this, I had no idea the basis for the Mark Darcy character.  It was only later, after I watched the Pride and Prejudice movie with Keira Knightly that the light bulb went off.  AHA!  I realized I had missed something!  I then went back and researched and discovered that Colin Firth had played Mr. Darcy in the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice in the 1990's.  I ordered the DVD set and fell instantly IN LOVE!  Seriously, where were men like this?  I hadn't ever dated one.  Now mind you, I don't want to give you the opinion that I dated losers.  I never did.  To be perfectly honest, I had one boyfriend in high school and didn't date much at all in college.  I am sure that we could do lots of Freudian exploration about why.  This would be a whole other blog!

The themes that make up the story of Pride and Prejudice are timeless!  We all dismiss people in our lives for various reasons - many for judgements we make based on random incidents or experiences.  Ok, maybe we don't all do it, but I certainly have been guilty of that.  Believe it or not, I am an introvert when it comes to building relationships with people.  Some of this has come from age, but most of it comes from wearing my heart proudly on my sleeve as a young woman and getting it trounced time after time.  I was always sure that the very next guy that took an interest in me was just going to "fall head over heels in love with me!"  Let me tell you, that didn't happen!  I began to look at relationships as a compromise......ignore the bad traits if possible and try to build on the good things a person has to offer.  Even that got my heart broken many times.  Then I was 25 and realized that it was time for me to get married.  Did I want to be married?  Yes!  Did I choose the right spouse?  No, although I must say that my son's father is a wonderful man who has many fantastic qualities.  Honestly, he was everyone's favorite guy in college - something that attracted me to him a great deal.  Again, Freud................

During my journey of self-discovery I began to focus more on what I needed which led me to examine my desire for a male companion in life.  I was so sure I wasn't ever going to find him, I didn't allow myself to look and focused on my "ideal" - Mr. Darcy! (Colin Firth) I'm going to say right here that I am quite sure Mr. Firth probably HATES being compared to the fictional Mr. Darcy and hears it from multiple angles way too often.  This blog, however, is about me.  Since I am quite sure I will never meet Colin Firth, I am going to indulge myself a bit.  I could watch the movies and laugh and/or cry and go to sleep at night dreaming about someone who might love me "just as you are" - as it was stated in the Bridget Jones movie.  Imagine someone who just loved me for just me!  All the good things, but all the warts too.  That was what I wanted!  I was so convinced I would never find it, I made sure my life was sufficiently closed off to the point that any possibility of a relationship was impossible.  I stayed there a long time.  I closed myself off, isolated my feelings, and told myself I was happy.  If I said I was happy and acted like I was happy it had to be true, right?

Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy, what is it about you?  I think it is the wall, the barrier he created among people who were acquaintances.  Pride?  Yes, but also a vulnerability.  Like a hint of something more under the surface.  As more is revealed, you begin to feel so privileged to be allowed in.  Then, wham, you see the real person, the pride, the flaws, but also the depth of feelings and you fall in love.  You are the ONLY one allowed to see the fierce passion and love behind the facade and that's it.  Such intimacy! Not the love of youth, burning like a flash fire, but much deeper.  And, no, I'm not talking about physical intimacy, more of an emotional intimacy.  Knowing that Mr. Darcy would protect Miss Elizabeth Bennett with everything he was.........did protect her..................  I don't know, it's like it gave me hope that people really did have relationships like that.  I didn't, but maybe others did.  I knew LOTS of happily married people.

Thus, my obsession with Mr. Darcy.  Colin Firth is nothing but a symbol for what I longed for.  You know what?  I don't have to rely on Colin anymore, I have my own Mr. Darcy...........although his name is John.  I haven't watched a Bridget Jones movie in a long, long time - but I did watch Pride and Prejudice over Spring Break.  I didn't cry.  I used to.  That's real progress.  In fact, real life replaced fiction in my life about 2 years ago.  2 years ago next week!  Thanks Jane Austen, thanks Match.com, and THANKS John!  I love you and I know you love me "just the way I am."

Until later friends!  Just Julie

By The Grace Of God

Hello friends!  It has been so long, and I have no explanation except to say that I have been busy………but we are all busy!  Part of the reason I have been neglecting my blog is that I have fallen behind in my quest for health and fitness.  I stopped walking during early this year and haven't been able to get back in a routine.  I have struggled with hip and knee pain, so it is hard to get myself moving.  This isn't a reasonable excuse because, of course, I know that the more I move, the more I will be able to manage joint pain. I plan on talking to the doctor about these issues at my yearly exam in January.  I'm not back to square one, but I am watching the scale inch up!  That DOESN'T make me happy!

What DOES make me happy is John.  He is a blessing in so many ways.  It is hard to imagine that 18 months have passed!  My life is so different!  Even though the "newness" of our relationship has dwindled, it has been replaced by a real, lasting sense of love, security, and peace.  I have wanted a relationship like this all my life.  He is wonderful and truly my soul mate.

I was doing some reflection the other day compliments of Katy Perry.  Her newest album came out in October.  I have always enjoyed her whimsical music, but her latest music has an entirely different tone.  I was initially drawn to the song named "Roar", but was entirely blown away by the song entitled, "By The Grace Of God."  This song hit a nerve in me!  I had read that Katy Perry had written the music on this album in her post-divorce life.  This song, "By The Grace Of God" is spot on.  I think I have written in previous blogs about the pain of divorce.  It is intense, and unimaginatively gut-wrenching.  Without telling you all the dark details, I found myself questioning the very need to get out of bed in the morning.  I can look back on that time now and know that without Andrew, I'm not sure what I might have been capable of.  There were many, many nights when I cried myself to sleep, and one particularly dark day in Florida when I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for 3 hours wondering how long I could lay there before anyone would find me. (See lyrics of song)  BTW:  No one came and found me on the floor……………….

Pain can be so raw, so biting, so intimate.  It invades your life and consumes you.  I may or may not have written about this before, but my pre-divorce world included NO OTHER DIVORCED PEOPLE.  None of my family, close friends, or close colleagues had been through a divorce.  Even now, I don't have many people in my life who have been through this process.  I have been blessed in life not to have to deal with much tragedy, but divorce is a tragedy. Regardless of the reason.  This, I have learned!  I also don't think that people understand that pain until they have gone through it.

Anyway, Katy Perry's song took all of those raw, painful feelings and put them in a song.  I am including the lyrics here:

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Music often allows us to express emotion that can't be spoken in words.  I believe Katy Perry has done that in this song.  I applaud her courage, wish I had been as strong.  The thing is, no matter what the reason for the divorce, the pain is the same.  I felt like a total failure……for years!  I allowed it to define me, hold me back, paralyze me in fear……….but no more!  If you read the lyrics of Ms. Perry's song, there is a change in the 2nd verse.  It really is like this!

I vow to be more sensitive to people going through this.  While it is happening to you, it is easy to think you are the only person who ever felt like this, but that's not true.  Not true at all!  It is much easier to pick yourself back up and look in the mirror when you know you are not the only person feeling this way.  Thank you Katy Perry for sharing your pain in a beautiful way and for voicing all the deep, dark secrets I had!  Until next time friends!  Just Julie

PS:  I tried to attach a link to the song on You Tube.  I see that the link is there, but I wasn't very successful with it.  You might want to go and just type in the name of the song.  It will be worth your time.  I promise!


http://youtu.be/QArN5rFv-uQ

Sing A Song

Hello Friends!  Most of you know that I sing.  I sing a lot!  I sing all the time........in my house, in the shower, in my car, at school in my head...................everywhere.  I think I was born singing!  In our spring concert for the Kirksville Community Choir, we are singing this wonderful song from Sesame Street - "Sing"  Remember that song?  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song.  I loved it when I was younger - although I wasn't a Sesame Street child.  I am too old to be from the Sesame Street generation, but it was on the television in our house because of my brother.  Some songs just make you happy and this is one of them!  It really captures my philosophy about singing.  Before I tell you my philosophy, maybe I should give you some history.

Music has always come easily to me.  It's a part of my life - much like my left arm.  I could function with just my right arm, but everything is better when I can use both!  Music is there when we are happy, when we are sad, when we are celebrating, and when we are mourning.  Music has a way of expressing feelings much more easily than our words can - at least for me.  It has always allowed me to say things that I can't find the courage to say in spoken words.  I took piano lessons when I was 8 or 9 years old and then started again when I was 12 or so.  Music is something that you have for your entire life.  I still play the piano - albeit not well - when I find the time to sit down and enjoy it.  Singing is even better than that because you have it with you all the time.............but I digress.  I sang all through school in various choirs - the kindergarten glee club, music classes and concerts, jr high choir, church choirs and finally the high school choir.  I was not, however, a soloist until college and after.  I was asked to sing in my first wedding the summer before my freshman year of college.  I had a year to get used to the idea and prepare.  An important person in my life at that time was skeptical about my ability to do this.  He/she told me that they "didn't think I was that good."  That was a challenge to me!  Now this person wasn't being mean, I think she/he just didn't think that I was up to the task.  I wanted to be a soloist!  I began to work hard.  I sang all the time after that, mostly in my car.  Even after this person was no longer in my life, I continued to sing.  I sang at my cousin's wedding the summer after my freshman year and never looked back. I took vocal lessons one spring at NMSU and learned how to breathe correctly.  I sang in many of my sorority sisters' weddings and learned that I COULD do this.  Crowds didn't much bother me and I had been exposed to lots of large audiences through my piano and choir experiences.  Singing in front of 500 people or more isn't an issue for me.  There is, however, a secret.  I have a personal philosophy that allows me not to worry about being a soloist at all!

The Sesame Street song says "Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song."  That's my philosophy.  I sing my best.  If people don't like it, they won't ask me again.  That's it!  I know that seems kind of harsh, but it allows me to throw out my worry about people getting what they want when they ask me to sing.  I sang at a lovely benefit on Saturday for the Genesis House in Edina, MO.  I loved the song I sang, so I felt comfortable.  I just walked up on stage, put on my pink glasses (which blur everything out in the audience because they are readers) picked up the mic, and started to sing.  I usually look in the audience for a friendly face - last night it was John in the front row.  As usual, the first phrase was a bit shakey, but then my philosophy kicked in!  I can't be nervous  - that's silly!  What's the worst that could happen?  They won't ask me again.  Problem solved!  From then on I sang well.  (at least I think I did!)  Here's the thing.  I.LOVE.IT!  That's why I do it.

So, friends, SING!  Don't worry that it's not good enough, for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song!  Enjoy the beautiful spring weather.  I know I am!  Until next time,   Just Julie

25 Random Things Revisited

I discovered Facebook in 2008.  No, not like Al Gore discovered the internet, but it was new to me in 2008.  I told myself that I was joining because I wanted to make sure I knew about it before Andrew decided he wanted a page.  Very, very quickly, I was addicted.  One of the things that was popular then was doing these "Notes" posts where you tag all your friends and they read yours and were then expected to write one too.  People don't do that as much now.  Anyway, I have always been a pretty private person, so there were a LOT of people who knew absolutely NOTHING about me except in what I would call an acquaintance way.  I was able to fool a lot of people about the state of my personal life.  I put on a brave face and acted happy and bubbly most of the time.  That's what people saw, but it wasn't reality.  The reality was that I was pretty miserable and had been for many, many years.

When this "25 Random Things About Me" post came along I did nothing for a long time. (see number 6 on the list)  Reading others' lists gave me the courage to write my own, which took me several days.(again, see number 6 on the list)  I changed my Facebook profile picture this week and the pic came from 2008.  I am smiling and looking pretty happy, but inside I was dying.  It made me think about these 25 things I wrote and published.  When I looked back at the list, I am SHOCKED at how many of them are no longer true.  In any way!  5 years later I am a different (better) person...............maybe I have Facebook to thank!  Here is the original list in black ink.  The comments I make now will be in red ink. Some of this is interesting, some of it is sad, and some is just pathetic.  LOL

25 Things About Me

25.  This scares the begeebees out of me.  This is WAY more exposure than I am comfortable with.

This has lessened somewhat, but I still don't like feeling exposed and vulnerable.

24.  I have trust issues – big surprise – that come from being burned in personal relationships.

I have worked through most of this - I now surrounded by people whom I can trust and depend on. 

23.  I am afraid of bridges, birds, mice, and squirrels. 

No change here.  Still a freak!

22.  I enjoy doing things alone.  I really do!  That doesn’t mean I don’t like being with family and friends, it just means being alone feels like a guilty pleasure.

I still enjoy alone time, but don't have to have as much.  :) 

21.  I believe that music is a language, and speaking it makes me feel good.  I sing all the time – I learned to be a soloist singing in my car!  I love the feeling I have when my voice is warmed up and I don’t have to work to sing, it just comes out.

Still get joy from this.  It will never change. 

20.  I am surrounded by people who love me very much.  I need to be willing to accept that love more unconditionally.

I am better about this.  I have allowed more people in and am able to just accept their love and friendship as a joy.

19.  I am not comfortable in my own skin and try to cover that by having nice things.

Ok, maybe I am a bit more confident, but I have also learned that most people feel this way about some aspect of their life...........so, I'm normal! (Ha!  I know it's a relative term!)

18.  I have seen every episode of “Friends” multiple times.  I reference “Friends” all the time, mostly Chandler.

Still love "Friends" but watch more "Big Bang Theory".  I think I might be most like...........you fill in the blank.

17.  I watch people and tend to imitate traits I am attracted to.  Sometimes that makes me feel disingenuous.

Yep, still do this, but am seeing more of me now.

16.  I worry about everything.  I worry for other people.  I wake up in the night worrying.  Every night!

I worry, I have always worried, and I will always worry.

15.  I fear the best part of my life is over. 

NOT TRUE AT ALL!  I know NOW the best part of my life is just beginning!

14.  I don’t know how people ever have intimate, personal relationships after a marriage ends.  I just don’t think I can do it.

This one is GONE.  When the right person comes along, it happens.

13.  I long for unconditional love like my parents, Tracy and Mike, and Rob and Jenn have.  They really, truly, love each other.

Found it!  Not a void in my life anymore!  Hooray and thank you John!

12.  I have friends from my childhood that were some of the best choices I ever made.  I want that for Andrew and probably try a little too hard to find him his Mo and Tracey.

Still true, but have some new friends too............

11.  I do not like Kate Gosselin. I do like Colin Firth.  In everything he does!

Good grief - who is Kate Gosselin (kidding) and I still love my Colin Firth.

10.  I am not divorced.  It just hasn’t happened yet.

Done!  2010 - Fear no longer held me back..........and I SURVIVED!

9.  I wish I had as many friends as my sister Tracy has – although I wouldn’t like to be on the phone that much.  She is a good friend to all and gets it back multiplied.  I envy that.

I think I do have as many friends now..............and now it is texting, Facebooking, and Facebook chatting.  I do it all.  Thank GOD for unlimited texting.

8.  My brother is very, very good at what he does.  He knows a lot and is a great husband and father.  I admire that.

Still the same, nothing different here.

7.  I feel uncomfortable in groups.  It makes me sad that I feel like I never fit in.

Still true in some ways, but I do fit in now.  It was all in my own perceptions!

6.  I think a very, very long time about what I say.  I practice, write the words down, and wait a long time.  This sometimes makes me seem callous.

This is still true.  Very, very true.  

5.  I eat because I am lonely.  It “insulates” me from pain in personal relationships.

I overcame this last year and lost 36 pounds.  Now I have to get back "on the wagon".

4.  I married an “ideal”.  I have learned what I DON’T want, but I don’t really know what I DO want. 

Yep, I knew what I DIDN'T want, and now I know what I DO want!  

3.  A big house, fancy car, and lots of “stuff” used to seem important.  It isn’t important at all anymore. (although I still love nice things)

Well, being poor makes you humble and appreciate that you have all your basic needs met.  Everything else is just gravy.

2.  I somehow have a reputation of being organized, but I am not.  I swear they took my brain out with my uterus!

I am trying so hard to get better organized.  In some ways it is better and in some ways it is worse.  I like to call it a work in progress!  I still like to blame my scattered brain on my missing "lady parts"

1.  I want to be happy, but sometimes I am not.

Most of the time I was not.  Now, most of the time I am happy.  Genuinely, totally, and entirely happy. Sickeningly happy as my sister says.  I never, ever want to go back.  Ever!

So, friends, if you ever think you can't make changes in your life, rethink that!  If I can do it, ANYONE can!  You just have to be willing to open up and let people know those 25 THINGS ABOUT YOU!

Until later,  Julie

My Joy

Hello Friends!  It has been a long while since I last posted.  It's Saturday night, I'm cozy in my jammies, and the cold weather is on the other side of the wall.  My life is, in a lot of ways, very much like it has been for the 15 years I have been living in Kirksville.  But my life is NOT like it has been the 14 years before this one.  Almost everything is different.  FOR THE BETTER!

My journey to find joy has been long and bumpy.  Certainly I have not attained all of my goals.  There is much I still want to do:  continue to lose weight, build a website for Just Julie, become more financially secure, walk a 5k.......there are many things on my list.  I'll get there, I am sure of that.  I am much more confident now that I can do almost anything I set my mind to.

I put on Facebook this week that I haven't enjoyed Valentine's Day for roughly 17 years, and that is true.  I also put on there that John has changed my life.  That statement is very true and I thank God for him each and everyday.  A friend commented, however, that John was wonderful and certainly a blessing, but that I had changed my life.  She is correct!  I did!  And once I started, it all seemed pretty easy!  Imagine that!

Much of my transformation happened out of public view.  Small, small steps that built my courage, confidence, and resolve.  The public-part was at the beginning of Just Julie.  It was a new piece of my identity and I enjoy it very much.  Each stepping stone led to the next, and I was encouraged.  One year ago this week, though, was a biggie!  I went on a date.  No, it was not with John.  It was with a very nice man and I was terrified.  It became my most-read blog post ever!  I was a mess - really, I was.  My friends and the poor people I work with had to deal with me.  For that I apologize!  LOL  Truth be told,   he was not a good fit for me, but it opened my eyes that maybe, just maybe, there would be someone out there for me.  There was not a long string of other first dates, there was only one - John.  If I am honest, I knew he was the right man for me very quickly, and I think the same thing happened for him. He brings me so much joy!  He loves me - the real me - and still comes back to Kirksville every week. (We have been together every weekend since April 7)

So, here I sit on a Saturday night, cozy in my jammies, sitting here watching the NBA AllStar Dunking Contest with my son on the couch and John in the chair next to me wearing his jammies and I can honestly say that my life has changed.  For the good!  My joy is overflowing and I intend to keep it there!  Happy Valentine's Day friends.  Go find your joy!  It is worth the work and worth every step of the journey.    

Happy New Year - Welcome 2013!

Hello again friends!  I know I already posted this week, but I decided to do the year-end post while I was thinking about it and had some time.  This year - 2012 - goes down as one of the best years in my 48 years!  So many good things happened, new people became a part of my life, my son is happy and healthy, and my family is well.  I hope you will indulge me as I reflect.

I have been a single mother since 1998 - actually before that - but officially since Andrew was 3.  We moved back to Kirksville because that is where my family was.  I had no burning desire to return to my roots, but realized that I couldn't do this alone.  In retrospect, this was a very, very wise move.  I now see that raising my son in this small community built stronger family ties, afforded us a comfortable living, and allowed Andrew to grow up in a "village" of people who love and care for him.  The same things that made me hate Kirksville as I was growing up were the things that made me love it raising my own child.  Andrew was my first and only priority, and it was easy.  For years, I never gave a second thought to what I wanted, that didn't matter.  It was all about Andrew.  I believed that there wasn't any time for anything else in my life............and there really wasn't.

Fast forward several years.  I began to recognize that there needed to be more in my life and threw myself into community and church activities.  Andrew and I were so busy we met ourselves coming and going.  There was a deep sense of gratification that came with all the good things we did, but I was still lacking the sense that there was anything in my life that was for me.  I convinced myself that I would never have a relationship again - in fact, I avoided a formal divorce because I thought it would keep me "safe".  Of course now I see how silly that was!  It only trapped me in a perpetual sense or limbo - this "temporary place" of in between.  Finally, I was divorced in 2010 and set out on a journey that has changed my life.

The reason that I need to include this history in my post is because without this piece of the puzzle, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that I took the gigantic steps I took in 2012.   On the contrary, it was a HUGE deal.  I need to give some credit to a book I read cover to cover named Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  This book had been recommended to me years before by a counselor but, for whatever reason, I decided to read it and really see how it related to my life.  I spent many hours, tears, and tantrums realizing that I was a CLASSIC CODEPENDENT!  IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!  I recognized myself in each and every chapter.  I saw that I had devoted my life to fixing things for everyone in my life, but never myself.  It was as if a 1000 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. It gave me permission to begin thinking about what I wanted in life. To NOT always focus on making others happy at the expense of my own happiness.  This was the turning point, but I wasn't quite there yet.

I began to focus on what I wanted.  Still to this day I think it sounds selfish, but I learned the word "no."  It became easier as time went on.  I saw myself begin to open up, be more willing to invite people into my life, and begin to trust again.  I started to blog, and began making necklaces.  I found that people really liked me (yes, you read that right - I always assumed people just tolerated me) and that they appreciated what I did.  I sold necklaces and gained more self-confidence.  The thought in my head became, "Maybe, maybe there could be something more for me out there." I came to the realization that my "temporary" life had become permanent - and what did I have to show for it?

Enter 2012!  The first step I took was to be intentional and deliberate about taking better care of myself.  I had been trying to lose weight casually for the year previous, but 2012 saw me get very motivated!  After some initial success, I began to walk daily.  I walked and walked and walked.........and I loved it! I tried to do some jogging, but that wasn't for me.  I was content to walk.  Most days I walked 2 - 2.5 miles and saw weight begin to fall off.  Honestly, I can pinpoint an 8 week period in the spring of 2012 where I dropped about 25 pounds.  Greek yogurt, fruits and veggies, and chicken were my staples.  Andrew thrived as well.  I felt SO much better, I didn't have digestion problems I had battled for years, and I was losing weight.  Why had I waited so long to do this?  (Again, emotional insulation) During the same time, I joined Match.com.  I remember taking Andrew to breakfast and telling him that I was joining and that I was hoping to start dating a little bit and fretting about what his reaction might be.  There really was no reaction - he was fine with it.  I could cross that off the list to worry about - I had his blessing!  I'm sure you read my blog post after I had my first date.  It is my single post that has the highest statistic for views.  That man was certainly nice, and I enjoyed myself, but more important than that was the fact that I had overcome my fear!  It was like jumping off a cliff!  I had survived!  The rest is history.  Then John came along.  One date with him and I knew I had met someone special......very special.  I cancelled my membership to Match.com. The rest is history.

I have goals for 2013.  I need to continue my weight-loss journey, I need to focus on being more financially independent, I need to help Andrew make some choices about what he is going to do in life.  I want to start a website for Just Julie, I want to expand my garden, I need to reduce clutter in my home.  I am now confident that I can now do anything!  Anything I set my mind to!  Should I try to impart some advice on you now that you have been reading for 5 minutes or longer?  DO IT!  Whatever it is, DO IT!  Don't let fear hold you back.  If I really think about it I can lament the years I wasted being afraid.  But I'm not going to do that.  I am just going to be thankful for 2012 and look forward to 2013. Happy, Happy New Year to all of you!  Until later!  Julie