18 Days and A Song

This blog has been silent for such a long time because I didn't feel like I could make any posts until I wrote this one.  This one had to be next, but I just wasn't ready.  I'm still not ready, really, but the time has come:

Summer is my time to relax, rejuvenate, and recharge.  Not this past summer.  Summer held many stressful events and a couple of surprises this year.  Now, I don't want you to think I am whining.  I know that people go through hardship each and every day, but this summer knocked me on my ass! I have been surrounded with a loving, strong family all of my life.  I was nurtured, taught, supported, loved, and enabled to become an independent, responsible woman.  Family can be smothering at times, but when the going gets tough, we really learn who we can depend on.  The Colton side of my family is wonderful and more reserved.  I grew up with cousins that became friends that I cherish to this day.  Grammy, Grandy, Uncle Frank and Aunt Linda were (are) an important and special part of my life.  As for the Schneider side of the family, I was the first grandchild, the first girl after three boys, and very much loved!  (As were my sister and brother, along with the cousins that followed)  Some of my most fond childhood memories are from the oval table in the kitchen of that house across from the Primary school in Kirksville. This blog is about my Schneider family.

In my life there were always these very strong, dependable men.  Grandpa Earl, Dad, Gary, these Schneider men were my "heroes".  When there was a need - they were there.  Often, I felt that was intrusive, but looking back.................I am so fortunate!  Dad always provided what we needed, when something needed to be built - including a doghouse for a dog I should have never had - Grandpa was there, and when it came time to move across the country Gary, Pennie, and the kids loaded up a trailer and hauled it to Washington.  These men are the foundation of my world!  Always there, always strong, always loving.  Grandpa died before he was able to meet my son Andrew - his namesake - but I know he and Grandma have watched from heaven and love my son as much as they loved me.

Fast forward - I returned to Kirksville in 1998, needing the love and support and shelter of my family.  Of course, they were there.  This time it didn't feel intrusive; this time it felt cocooning.  I retreated into the shelter they provided and attempted to heal.  Mom and Dad were my rock and Gary was there whenever I asked for help. I didn't ask often, but when I did he dropped everything and came running!  Gary and I had a very special relationship.  The age differences in the Schneider family were odd.  My father was 13 years older than his brother (Gary) and I was only 10 years younger than Gary.  He was my "knight in shining armor" growing up - the coolest thing since sliced bread - and was still that pillar of strength now as an adult. He was always there - and was always able to help when Mom and Dad needed help.  In fact, I didn't have to feel entirely responsible for making decisions - Gary was always there to bounce ideas off of.  When there was a problem - Gary was the man.  When Andrew's truck stopped in the middle of the highway - Gary was the man to call.  When we needed a place to hold Andrew's graduation party that was outdoors and handicapped accessible - my father had been very ill in March and Andrew's other grandfather had serious mobility issues - Gary provided the place; that same home and yard across from the Primary school in Kirksville - the wonderful place of my memories.

We knew Gary hadn't been feeling tip top - he was struggling with some lingering respiratory issue, but none of us knew how poorly he felt.  I was committed to making the graduation party as stress-free as possible for Gary and Pennie, and we even used the camper kitchen instead of using their indoor kitchen for the party.  The day of the party we were getting everything put together and it became more clear to me that something was going on with Gary, but he insisted that it was just allergies and that he had been to the doctor.  The party was a HUGE success, Gary and Rob were the grill masters for some awesome brats, and everything went off without a hitch.  The nagging concern about my uncle fell to the back of my mind as we all set our sights on my father and his hip replacement surgery in June.  We got periodic updates from Pennie; Gary had seen the doctor several more times, but nothing definitive had surfaced.  He just didn't feel well.  Then came the first day of July.

Dad was inpatient at the hospital for rehab on the hip and we had word that Gary had entered the ER at NERMC.  We knew he was going to go, as he hadn't been able to eat and keep food down for a couple of weeks.  The diagnosis came quickly and he was transferred to Columbia on that same day. Gary had lung cancer.  Advanced lung cancer.  He had been a heavy smoker, so it wasn't unexplainable, but it was devastating, of course.  They were able to shrink the tumors with radiation and make him more comfortable and sent him home the next week. The wait began for the diagnosis and the treatment plan.  I saw him three times after that, and cried each time I left.  Three weeks passed - 17 days.  Gary had an appointment in Columbia on a Friday and Dad had an appointment with his doctor on a Thursday.  It was decided that we would take Dad to see Gary after his appointment.  Andrew and I met Mom and Dad at Gary's house.  Pennie said Gary wasn't having a good day, and Dad wanted to go home.  Something inside me snapped.  "NO!  You are going in today!  We are not waiting ANOTHER day!" I am so glad I threw this tantrum.  Gary died the next day.  He had been in and out of awareness for several days, but when Dad entered the room he called him "Geno"  Gary often called Dad that, so I knew he recognized him.  That was it, Gary died the next day - the 18th day.  I was in Des Moines by then, attending a baby shower for John's daughter Tori.  Honestly, I didn't cry.  It was more like shock!  I kept walking around, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.  I just remember my eyes being open, John staying right at my side, and going through the motions of the weekend.

The visitation was brutal.  We stood in line for 3 hours greeting friends.  What a testament to this man that was such a large part of my life.  I was strong - have been strong.  The service was lovely.  I offered to try to sing, but I wasn't sure I really could and Heath and Carrie and Pennie decided it wasn't a good idea for me to even try.  They planned recorded music for the service. When we arrived and saw the order of service, the name of the first song seemed so strange.  Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan.  "Oh, no!" I thought.  "What in the world is this?"  I hadn't heard the song, was only marginally aware of Mr. Bryan as a performer, and haven't traditionally been a fan of country music - although my stance had been wavering with the entrance of John Henderson in my life.

We sat in the family room at the funeral home - one row behind Pennie, Heath, and Carrie.  Let me tell you, I will never, ever question Heath Schneider on song choices again.  That song - Drink A Beer - was PERFECT.  It was the PERFECT song for Gary.  I can picture him, laughing with his head back, drinking a beer in so many of my memories.  I loved my Uncle Gary so much, I miss him so much.  My life would not be the same without him, isn't the same without him.  I don't know how to explain it except by saying that a "layer" of my family is missing.  There were my grandparents, my parents, Gary, and my siblings.  My grandparents passed away - as they do.  My parents are aging -
as they do, but Gary isn't supposed to be gone!  It wasn't his time, it's not fair and I have been angry!  The anger has subsided now, but the hole is still gaping.  We don't speak of love in the Schneider family often, but it is there.  It is ALWAYS there - strong and unwavering!  I hope that I offer even a 10th of the support to Gary's children and grandchildren as he provided me.

Here is the link to the Luke Bryan song Drink A Beer.  BTW:  He has become my new favorite artist. I think my conversion to a country music fan might have to be another blog entry!  :)  Until later Friends!

Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan

Finding Mr. Darcy

Hello friends!  It's been a long time, but I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  It should come as NO surprise that I have had an obsession with Colin Firth for many years now.  I love him!  My original passion stemmed from his role in the Bridget Jones movies.  As sad as it is, I was not very aware of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice masterpiece as a youth.  I never read it, although I had heard of it.  I made the assumption, as young people often do, that it would be boring because it was so old and un-hip.  It is with maturity that we realize that many of the things we dismiss in our early years are actually something we adore.  Because of this, I had no idea the basis for the Mark Darcy character.  It was only later, after I watched the Pride and Prejudice movie with Keira Knightly that the light bulb went off.  AHA!  I realized I had missed something!  I then went back and researched and discovered that Colin Firth had played Mr. Darcy in the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice in the 1990's.  I ordered the DVD set and fell instantly IN LOVE!  Seriously, where were men like this?  I hadn't ever dated one.  Now mind you, I don't want to give you the opinion that I dated losers.  I never did.  To be perfectly honest, I had one boyfriend in high school and didn't date much at all in college.  I am sure that we could do lots of Freudian exploration about why.  This would be a whole other blog!

The themes that make up the story of Pride and Prejudice are timeless!  We all dismiss people in our lives for various reasons - many for judgements we make based on random incidents or experiences.  Ok, maybe we don't all do it, but I certainly have been guilty of that.  Believe it or not, I am an introvert when it comes to building relationships with people.  Some of this has come from age, but most of it comes from wearing my heart proudly on my sleeve as a young woman and getting it trounced time after time.  I was always sure that the very next guy that took an interest in me was just going to "fall head over heels in love with me!"  Let me tell you, that didn't happen!  I began to look at relationships as a compromise......ignore the bad traits if possible and try to build on the good things a person has to offer.  Even that got my heart broken many times.  Then I was 25 and realized that it was time for me to get married.  Did I want to be married?  Yes!  Did I choose the right spouse?  No, although I must say that my son's father is a wonderful man who has many fantastic qualities.  Honestly, he was everyone's favorite guy in college - something that attracted me to him a great deal.  Again, Freud................

During my journey of self-discovery I began to focus more on what I needed which led me to examine my desire for a male companion in life.  I was so sure I wasn't ever going to find him, I didn't allow myself to look and focused on my "ideal" - Mr. Darcy! (Colin Firth) I'm going to say right here that I am quite sure Mr. Firth probably HATES being compared to the fictional Mr. Darcy and hears it from multiple angles way too often.  This blog, however, is about me.  Since I am quite sure I will never meet Colin Firth, I am going to indulge myself a bit.  I could watch the movies and laugh and/or cry and go to sleep at night dreaming about someone who might love me "just as you are" - as it was stated in the Bridget Jones movie.  Imagine someone who just loved me for just me!  All the good things, but all the warts too.  That was what I wanted!  I was so convinced I would never find it, I made sure my life was sufficiently closed off to the point that any possibility of a relationship was impossible.  I stayed there a long time.  I closed myself off, isolated my feelings, and told myself I was happy.  If I said I was happy and acted like I was happy it had to be true, right?

Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy, what is it about you?  I think it is the wall, the barrier he created among people who were acquaintances.  Pride?  Yes, but also a vulnerability.  Like a hint of something more under the surface.  As more is revealed, you begin to feel so privileged to be allowed in.  Then, wham, you see the real person, the pride, the flaws, but also the depth of feelings and you fall in love.  You are the ONLY one allowed to see the fierce passion and love behind the facade and that's it.  Such intimacy! Not the love of youth, burning like a flash fire, but much deeper.  And, no, I'm not talking about physical intimacy, more of an emotional intimacy.  Knowing that Mr. Darcy would protect Miss Elizabeth Bennett with everything he was.........did protect her..................  I don't know, it's like it gave me hope that people really did have relationships like that.  I didn't, but maybe others did.  I knew LOTS of happily married people.

Thus, my obsession with Mr. Darcy.  Colin Firth is nothing but a symbol for what I longed for.  You know what?  I don't have to rely on Colin anymore, I have my own Mr. Darcy...........although his name is John.  I haven't watched a Bridget Jones movie in a long, long time - but I did watch Pride and Prejudice over Spring Break.  I didn't cry.  I used to.  That's real progress.  In fact, real life replaced fiction in my life about 2 years ago.  2 years ago next week!  Thanks Jane Austen, thanks Match.com, and THANKS John!  I love you and I know you love me "just the way I am."

Until later friends!  Just Julie

By The Grace Of God

Hello friends!  It has been so long, and I have no explanation except to say that I have been busy………but we are all busy!  Part of the reason I have been neglecting my blog is that I have fallen behind in my quest for health and fitness.  I stopped walking during early this year and haven't been able to get back in a routine.  I have struggled with hip and knee pain, so it is hard to get myself moving.  This isn't a reasonable excuse because, of course, I know that the more I move, the more I will be able to manage joint pain. I plan on talking to the doctor about these issues at my yearly exam in January.  I'm not back to square one, but I am watching the scale inch up!  That DOESN'T make me happy!

What DOES make me happy is John.  He is a blessing in so many ways.  It is hard to imagine that 18 months have passed!  My life is so different!  Even though the "newness" of our relationship has dwindled, it has been replaced by a real, lasting sense of love, security, and peace.  I have wanted a relationship like this all my life.  He is wonderful and truly my soul mate.

I was doing some reflection the other day compliments of Katy Perry.  Her newest album came out in October.  I have always enjoyed her whimsical music, but her latest music has an entirely different tone.  I was initially drawn to the song named "Roar", but was entirely blown away by the song entitled, "By The Grace Of God."  This song hit a nerve in me!  I had read that Katy Perry had written the music on this album in her post-divorce life.  This song, "By The Grace Of God" is spot on.  I think I have written in previous blogs about the pain of divorce.  It is intense, and unimaginatively gut-wrenching.  Without telling you all the dark details, I found myself questioning the very need to get out of bed in the morning.  I can look back on that time now and know that without Andrew, I'm not sure what I might have been capable of.  There were many, many nights when I cried myself to sleep, and one particularly dark day in Florida when I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for 3 hours wondering how long I could lay there before anyone would find me. (See lyrics of song)  BTW:  No one came and found me on the floor……………….

Pain can be so raw, so biting, so intimate.  It invades your life and consumes you.  I may or may not have written about this before, but my pre-divorce world included NO OTHER DIVORCED PEOPLE.  None of my family, close friends, or close colleagues had been through a divorce.  Even now, I don't have many people in my life who have been through this process.  I have been blessed in life not to have to deal with much tragedy, but divorce is a tragedy. Regardless of the reason.  This, I have learned!  I also don't think that people understand that pain until they have gone through it.

Anyway, Katy Perry's song took all of those raw, painful feelings and put them in a song.  I am including the lyrics here:

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Music often allows us to express emotion that can't be spoken in words.  I believe Katy Perry has done that in this song.  I applaud her courage, wish I had been as strong.  The thing is, no matter what the reason for the divorce, the pain is the same.  I felt like a total failure……for years!  I allowed it to define me, hold me back, paralyze me in fear……….but no more!  If you read the lyrics of Ms. Perry's song, there is a change in the 2nd verse.  It really is like this!

I vow to be more sensitive to people going through this.  While it is happening to you, it is easy to think you are the only person who ever felt like this, but that's not true.  Not true at all!  It is much easier to pick yourself back up and look in the mirror when you know you are not the only person feeling this way.  Thank you Katy Perry for sharing your pain in a beautiful way and for voicing all the deep, dark secrets I had!  Until next time friends!  Just Julie

PS:  I tried to attach a link to the song on You Tube.  I see that the link is there, but I wasn't very successful with it.  You might want to go and just type in the name of the song.  It will be worth your time.  I promise!


http://youtu.be/QArN5rFv-uQ

Sing A Song

Hello Friends!  Most of you know that I sing.  I sing a lot!  I sing all the time........in my house, in the shower, in my car, at school in my head...................everywhere.  I think I was born singing!  In our spring concert for the Kirksville Community Choir, we are singing this wonderful song from Sesame Street - "Sing"  Remember that song?  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song.  I loved it when I was younger - although I wasn't a Sesame Street child.  I am too old to be from the Sesame Street generation, but it was on the television in our house because of my brother.  Some songs just make you happy and this is one of them!  It really captures my philosophy about singing.  Before I tell you my philosophy, maybe I should give you some history.

Music has always come easily to me.  It's a part of my life - much like my left arm.  I could function with just my right arm, but everything is better when I can use both!  Music is there when we are happy, when we are sad, when we are celebrating, and when we are mourning.  Music has a way of expressing feelings much more easily than our words can - at least for me.  It has always allowed me to say things that I can't find the courage to say in spoken words.  I took piano lessons when I was 8 or 9 years old and then started again when I was 12 or so.  Music is something that you have for your entire life.  I still play the piano - albeit not well - when I find the time to sit down and enjoy it.  Singing is even better than that because you have it with you all the time.............but I digress.  I sang all through school in various choirs - the kindergarten glee club, music classes and concerts, jr high choir, church choirs and finally the high school choir.  I was not, however, a soloist until college and after.  I was asked to sing in my first wedding the summer before my freshman year of college.  I had a year to get used to the idea and prepare.  An important person in my life at that time was skeptical about my ability to do this.  He/she told me that they "didn't think I was that good."  That was a challenge to me!  Now this person wasn't being mean, I think she/he just didn't think that I was up to the task.  I wanted to be a soloist!  I began to work hard.  I sang all the time after that, mostly in my car.  Even after this person was no longer in my life, I continued to sing.  I sang at my cousin's wedding the summer after my freshman year and never looked back. I took vocal lessons one spring at NMSU and learned how to breathe correctly.  I sang in many of my sorority sisters' weddings and learned that I COULD do this.  Crowds didn't much bother me and I had been exposed to lots of large audiences through my piano and choir experiences.  Singing in front of 500 people or more isn't an issue for me.  There is, however, a secret.  I have a personal philosophy that allows me not to worry about being a soloist at all!

The Sesame Street song says "Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song."  That's my philosophy.  I sing my best.  If people don't like it, they won't ask me again.  That's it!  I know that seems kind of harsh, but it allows me to throw out my worry about people getting what they want when they ask me to sing.  I sang at a lovely benefit on Saturday for the Genesis House in Edina, MO.  I loved the song I sang, so I felt comfortable.  I just walked up on stage, put on my pink glasses (which blur everything out in the audience because they are readers) picked up the mic, and started to sing.  I usually look in the audience for a friendly face - last night it was John in the front row.  As usual, the first phrase was a bit shakey, but then my philosophy kicked in!  I can't be nervous  - that's silly!  What's the worst that could happen?  They won't ask me again.  Problem solved!  From then on I sang well.  (at least I think I did!)  Here's the thing.  I.LOVE.IT!  That's why I do it.

So, friends, SING!  Don't worry that it's not good enough, for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song!  Enjoy the beautiful spring weather.  I know I am!  Until next time,   Just Julie

25 Random Things Revisited

I discovered Facebook in 2008.  No, not like Al Gore discovered the internet, but it was new to me in 2008.  I told myself that I was joining because I wanted to make sure I knew about it before Andrew decided he wanted a page.  Very, very quickly, I was addicted.  One of the things that was popular then was doing these "Notes" posts where you tag all your friends and they read yours and were then expected to write one too.  People don't do that as much now.  Anyway, I have always been a pretty private person, so there were a LOT of people who knew absolutely NOTHING about me except in what I would call an acquaintance way.  I was able to fool a lot of people about the state of my personal life.  I put on a brave face and acted happy and bubbly most of the time.  That's what people saw, but it wasn't reality.  The reality was that I was pretty miserable and had been for many, many years.

When this "25 Random Things About Me" post came along I did nothing for a long time. (see number 6 on the list)  Reading others' lists gave me the courage to write my own, which took me several days.(again, see number 6 on the list)  I changed my Facebook profile picture this week and the pic came from 2008.  I am smiling and looking pretty happy, but inside I was dying.  It made me think about these 25 things I wrote and published.  When I looked back at the list, I am SHOCKED at how many of them are no longer true.  In any way!  5 years later I am a different (better) person...............maybe I have Facebook to thank!  Here is the original list in black ink.  The comments I make now will be in red ink. Some of this is interesting, some of it is sad, and some is just pathetic.  LOL

25 Things About Me

25.  This scares the begeebees out of me.  This is WAY more exposure than I am comfortable with.

This has lessened somewhat, but I still don't like feeling exposed and vulnerable.

24.  I have trust issues – big surprise – that come from being burned in personal relationships.

I have worked through most of this - I now surrounded by people whom I can trust and depend on. 

23.  I am afraid of bridges, birds, mice, and squirrels. 

No change here.  Still a freak!

22.  I enjoy doing things alone.  I really do!  That doesn’t mean I don’t like being with family and friends, it just means being alone feels like a guilty pleasure.

I still enjoy alone time, but don't have to have as much.  :) 

21.  I believe that music is a language, and speaking it makes me feel good.  I sing all the time – I learned to be a soloist singing in my car!  I love the feeling I have when my voice is warmed up and I don’t have to work to sing, it just comes out.

Still get joy from this.  It will never change. 

20.  I am surrounded by people who love me very much.  I need to be willing to accept that love more unconditionally.

I am better about this.  I have allowed more people in and am able to just accept their love and friendship as a joy.

19.  I am not comfortable in my own skin and try to cover that by having nice things.

Ok, maybe I am a bit more confident, but I have also learned that most people feel this way about some aspect of their life...........so, I'm normal! (Ha!  I know it's a relative term!)

18.  I have seen every episode of “Friends” multiple times.  I reference “Friends” all the time, mostly Chandler.

Still love "Friends" but watch more "Big Bang Theory".  I think I might be most like...........you fill in the blank.

17.  I watch people and tend to imitate traits I am attracted to.  Sometimes that makes me feel disingenuous.

Yep, still do this, but am seeing more of me now.

16.  I worry about everything.  I worry for other people.  I wake up in the night worrying.  Every night!

I worry, I have always worried, and I will always worry.

15.  I fear the best part of my life is over. 

NOT TRUE AT ALL!  I know NOW the best part of my life is just beginning!

14.  I don’t know how people ever have intimate, personal relationships after a marriage ends.  I just don’t think I can do it.

This one is GONE.  When the right person comes along, it happens.

13.  I long for unconditional love like my parents, Tracy and Mike, and Rob and Jenn have.  They really, truly, love each other.

Found it!  Not a void in my life anymore!  Hooray and thank you John!

12.  I have friends from my childhood that were some of the best choices I ever made.  I want that for Andrew and probably try a little too hard to find him his Mo and Tracey.

Still true, but have some new friends too............

11.  I do not like Kate Gosselin. I do like Colin Firth.  In everything he does!

Good grief - who is Kate Gosselin (kidding) and I still love my Colin Firth.

10.  I am not divorced.  It just hasn’t happened yet.

Done!  2010 - Fear no longer held me back..........and I SURVIVED!

9.  I wish I had as many friends as my sister Tracy has – although I wouldn’t like to be on the phone that much.  She is a good friend to all and gets it back multiplied.  I envy that.

I think I do have as many friends now..............and now it is texting, Facebooking, and Facebook chatting.  I do it all.  Thank GOD for unlimited texting.

8.  My brother is very, very good at what he does.  He knows a lot and is a great husband and father.  I admire that.

Still the same, nothing different here.

7.  I feel uncomfortable in groups.  It makes me sad that I feel like I never fit in.

Still true in some ways, but I do fit in now.  It was all in my own perceptions!

6.  I think a very, very long time about what I say.  I practice, write the words down, and wait a long time.  This sometimes makes me seem callous.

This is still true.  Very, very true.  

5.  I eat because I am lonely.  It “insulates” me from pain in personal relationships.

I overcame this last year and lost 36 pounds.  Now I have to get back "on the wagon".

4.  I married an “ideal”.  I have learned what I DON’T want, but I don’t really know what I DO want. 

Yep, I knew what I DIDN'T want, and now I know what I DO want!  

3.  A big house, fancy car, and lots of “stuff” used to seem important.  It isn’t important at all anymore. (although I still love nice things)

Well, being poor makes you humble and appreciate that you have all your basic needs met.  Everything else is just gravy.

2.  I somehow have a reputation of being organized, but I am not.  I swear they took my brain out with my uterus!

I am trying so hard to get better organized.  In some ways it is better and in some ways it is worse.  I like to call it a work in progress!  I still like to blame my scattered brain on my missing "lady parts"

1.  I want to be happy, but sometimes I am not.

Most of the time I was not.  Now, most of the time I am happy.  Genuinely, totally, and entirely happy. Sickeningly happy as my sister says.  I never, ever want to go back.  Ever!

So, friends, if you ever think you can't make changes in your life, rethink that!  If I can do it, ANYONE can!  You just have to be willing to open up and let people know those 25 THINGS ABOUT YOU!

Until later,  Julie

My Joy

Hello Friends!  It has been a long while since I last posted.  It's Saturday night, I'm cozy in my jammies, and the cold weather is on the other side of the wall.  My life is, in a lot of ways, very much like it has been for the 15 years I have been living in Kirksville.  But my life is NOT like it has been the 14 years before this one.  Almost everything is different.  FOR THE BETTER!

My journey to find joy has been long and bumpy.  Certainly I have not attained all of my goals.  There is much I still want to do:  continue to lose weight, build a website for Just Julie, become more financially secure, walk a 5k.......there are many things on my list.  I'll get there, I am sure of that.  I am much more confident now that I can do almost anything I set my mind to.

I put on Facebook this week that I haven't enjoyed Valentine's Day for roughly 17 years, and that is true.  I also put on there that John has changed my life.  That statement is very true and I thank God for him each and everyday.  A friend commented, however, that John was wonderful and certainly a blessing, but that I had changed my life.  She is correct!  I did!  And once I started, it all seemed pretty easy!  Imagine that!

Much of my transformation happened out of public view.  Small, small steps that built my courage, confidence, and resolve.  The public-part was at the beginning of Just Julie.  It was a new piece of my identity and I enjoy it very much.  Each stepping stone led to the next, and I was encouraged.  One year ago this week, though, was a biggie!  I went on a date.  No, it was not with John.  It was with a very nice man and I was terrified.  It became my most-read blog post ever!  I was a mess - really, I was.  My friends and the poor people I work with had to deal with me.  For that I apologize!  LOL  Truth be told,   he was not a good fit for me, but it opened my eyes that maybe, just maybe, there would be someone out there for me.  There was not a long string of other first dates, there was only one - John.  If I am honest, I knew he was the right man for me very quickly, and I think the same thing happened for him. He brings me so much joy!  He loves me - the real me - and still comes back to Kirksville every week. (We have been together every weekend since April 7)

So, here I sit on a Saturday night, cozy in my jammies, sitting here watching the NBA AllStar Dunking Contest with my son on the couch and John in the chair next to me wearing his jammies and I can honestly say that my life has changed.  For the good!  My joy is overflowing and I intend to keep it there!  Happy Valentine's Day friends.  Go find your joy!  It is worth the work and worth every step of the journey.    

Happy New Year - Welcome 2013!

Hello again friends!  I know I already posted this week, but I decided to do the year-end post while I was thinking about it and had some time.  This year - 2012 - goes down as one of the best years in my 48 years!  So many good things happened, new people became a part of my life, my son is happy and healthy, and my family is well.  I hope you will indulge me as I reflect.

I have been a single mother since 1998 - actually before that - but officially since Andrew was 3.  We moved back to Kirksville because that is where my family was.  I had no burning desire to return to my roots, but realized that I couldn't do this alone.  In retrospect, this was a very, very wise move.  I now see that raising my son in this small community built stronger family ties, afforded us a comfortable living, and allowed Andrew to grow up in a "village" of people who love and care for him.  The same things that made me hate Kirksville as I was growing up were the things that made me love it raising my own child.  Andrew was my first and only priority, and it was easy.  For years, I never gave a second thought to what I wanted, that didn't matter.  It was all about Andrew.  I believed that there wasn't any time for anything else in my life............and there really wasn't.

Fast forward several years.  I began to recognize that there needed to be more in my life and threw myself into community and church activities.  Andrew and I were so busy we met ourselves coming and going.  There was a deep sense of gratification that came with all the good things we did, but I was still lacking the sense that there was anything in my life that was for me.  I convinced myself that I would never have a relationship again - in fact, I avoided a formal divorce because I thought it would keep me "safe".  Of course now I see how silly that was!  It only trapped me in a perpetual sense or limbo - this "temporary place" of in between.  Finally, I was divorced in 2010 and set out on a journey that has changed my life.

The reason that I need to include this history in my post is because without this piece of the puzzle, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that I took the gigantic steps I took in 2012.   On the contrary, it was a HUGE deal.  I need to give some credit to a book I read cover to cover named Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  This book had been recommended to me years before by a counselor but, for whatever reason, I decided to read it and really see how it related to my life.  I spent many hours, tears, and tantrums realizing that I was a CLASSIC CODEPENDENT!  IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!  I recognized myself in each and every chapter.  I saw that I had devoted my life to fixing things for everyone in my life, but never myself.  It was as if a 1000 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. It gave me permission to begin thinking about what I wanted in life. To NOT always focus on making others happy at the expense of my own happiness.  This was the turning point, but I wasn't quite there yet.

I began to focus on what I wanted.  Still to this day I think it sounds selfish, but I learned the word "no."  It became easier as time went on.  I saw myself begin to open up, be more willing to invite people into my life, and begin to trust again.  I started to blog, and began making necklaces.  I found that people really liked me (yes, you read that right - I always assumed people just tolerated me) and that they appreciated what I did.  I sold necklaces and gained more self-confidence.  The thought in my head became, "Maybe, maybe there could be something more for me out there." I came to the realization that my "temporary" life had become permanent - and what did I have to show for it?

Enter 2012!  The first step I took was to be intentional and deliberate about taking better care of myself.  I had been trying to lose weight casually for the year previous, but 2012 saw me get very motivated!  After some initial success, I began to walk daily.  I walked and walked and walked.........and I loved it! I tried to do some jogging, but that wasn't for me.  I was content to walk.  Most days I walked 2 - 2.5 miles and saw weight begin to fall off.  Honestly, I can pinpoint an 8 week period in the spring of 2012 where I dropped about 25 pounds.  Greek yogurt, fruits and veggies, and chicken were my staples.  Andrew thrived as well.  I felt SO much better, I didn't have digestion problems I had battled for years, and I was losing weight.  Why had I waited so long to do this?  (Again, emotional insulation) During the same time, I joined Match.com.  I remember taking Andrew to breakfast and telling him that I was joining and that I was hoping to start dating a little bit and fretting about what his reaction might be.  There really was no reaction - he was fine with it.  I could cross that off the list to worry about - I had his blessing!  I'm sure you read my blog post after I had my first date.  It is my single post that has the highest statistic for views.  That man was certainly nice, and I enjoyed myself, but more important than that was the fact that I had overcome my fear!  It was like jumping off a cliff!  I had survived!  The rest is history.  Then John came along.  One date with him and I knew I had met someone special......very special.  I cancelled my membership to Match.com. The rest is history.

I have goals for 2013.  I need to continue my weight-loss journey, I need to focus on being more financially independent, I need to help Andrew make some choices about what he is going to do in life.  I want to start a website for Just Julie, I want to expand my garden, I need to reduce clutter in my home.  I am now confident that I can now do anything!  Anything I set my mind to!  Should I try to impart some advice on you now that you have been reading for 5 minutes or longer?  DO IT!  Whatever it is, DO IT!  Don't let fear hold you back.  If I really think about it I can lament the years I wasted being afraid.  But I'm not going to do that.  I am just going to be thankful for 2012 and look forward to 2013. Happy, Happy New Year to all of you!  Until later!  Julie

Merry Christmas from Just Julie!

Hello friends!  It has been a LONG time since I have written a blog post.  I have had a couple of people ask me why.  The reason I give is that I haven't had time.  I am busy, but that isn't the real reason.  The reason is because I don't want to repeat myself when I say I am happy.  And I am very, very happy.  My next blog will evaluate 2012 - but preliminary indications say it will be a rave review.  I have surpassed even my wildest dreams.  I rarely let my guard down, but one thing I would do prior to this year is daydream when given the opportunity. In a lot of ways it really tortured me. Mostly this happened in bed before I fell asleep.  I would close my eyes and imagine my life if I could have anything I wanted.  Sometimes I would dream about having a big house or a nice car or a job that paid me much more money than I currently earn, but mostly I dreamed about having someone love me.  One of my favorite movies is Bridget Jones Diary.  Certainly, I love this movie because it is Colin Firth.............I LOVE Colin Firth, but also I relate to Bridget.  Mark Darcy has a line, "I like you, just the way you are."  That struck a chord with me the first time I saw the movie and made me cry almost every time I watched it. (and I have watched it a zillion times)  That's what I wanted - someone to love me just the way I am.  Never did I ever think at 48 years old I would find it!  But I have!  I am in love friends!  Real love, the kind I have been looking for all my life!  This is the way it is supposed to be.  It is often said that you don't know what you have until you lose it.  In my case, I didn't know what I didn't have until I found it! Saying this makes me feel a little guilty, like I am hurting people.  That is not my intent at all, but I have realized that this is what I wanted!

Christmas this year has been a bit different.  My finances led me to find a way to make some Christmas gifts this year.  I bought some supplies from a soap and lotion suppler in Washington and made Candy Cane lotion, sugar scrub, and added Candy Cane lip balm.  This was a raging success!  Had I known, I would have bought more supplies and sold some - and based on comments, I could have sold a butt-load!  I enjoyed making this and hope that no one thought I was cheap..........although in reality it was MUCH cheaper than buying small gifts and hostess gifts.  I have had the thought of doing it for Valentine's Day and Easter with some different scents.  I also found myself looking forward to Christmas in a way I haven't in years.  There was something magical about the holiday this year......and I know what that magic was.  I have a new outlook on life - and that has made the difference.

Merry Christmas friends!  I hope your holiday was as wonderful as mine!  My wish for all of you is that you can find the same happiness I have found.  Now that I am in this place, I have no intention of leaving it!

How Will I Know?

Hello Friends!  It's been a while since my last post.  Yes, I have been busy getting ready for school, making sure all my summer projects were completed, (which they weren't) and trying to get back in the mindset of working. As a teacher, we live for the summer to recharge our batteries!  Now that school has started, I am struggling with time management.  There doesn't seem to be enough time for everything.  Work, home, exercise........not enough time and I am not even going to try to say I will get up earlier to exercise.  That won't happen.  So far I haven't gained anything back, but I must get moving to continue to lose.  I don't want to lose momentum.

A couple of weeks ago my mom asked me if this was the best summer I have had for a long time.  Of course, the answer was YES!  That made me think.....when was the last time I was this happy?  I'm not sure I have ever been this happy.  That is certainly NOT to say that I have never been happy in my life.  My life has been filled with joy and happiness, from many different sources. My family and friends have been a constant source of joy in my life. With that statement, I just mean that I don't know that I have ever been so focused and settled in my situation in life.  I have let go of the anger - that happened several years ago -  I am feeling confident again, Andrew is at a point in his life where he is more independent, and I am happy with the direction my life is heading. It begs the question, however, how do we know when we are happy?

Happiness is a vague word. It can mean so many things.  I believe we spend most of our time chasing a happiness that is abstract rather than concrete.  I'm happy my bathroom floor looks clean, but that doesn't mean it made me happy to have to mop it.  When we are young, it seems like there is a laundry list of things we must do or achieve to reach our eutopic happiness.  Then you mature and realize the things on that list aren't really the source of our happiness.  Some make life easier, like earning more money, or a job that you love, but most aren't really the source of the happiness.  I think a lot of my happiness right now comes from the wisdom that I can stop chasing that elusive paradise. Happiness is today, right now, knowing that I have a job, a comfortable home, people I love and people who love me, enough money in the bank to survive the month, and my health.  Happiness is a state of mind, not a thing.

Yes, I know I'm not the first person to write this.  I have read it countless times in magazines and books.  Maybe it boils down to maturity.  Maybe happiness is being mature enough to realize all the other stuff doesn't matter so much.  I guess lots of people just never get there.  That's why older people aren't in such a hurry, they have it figured out that the joy is in the journey, not the destination..........Hmmmmmmm.

Heading downstairs now to make some necklaces.  That makes me happy.  Several new designs.  Let me know if you would like to see.  Have a great week and weekend.  Enjoy your journey friends!  I am!  Until later, Julie

Glass Overflowing!

Here is the first picture that John and I have together.  It has been a long time coming.  This photo was taken by Andrew with my phone, so the quality isn't the best, but looking at it makes me smile.  I am truly blessed and I don't have to worry about my glass being half full - IT IS OVERFLOWING!

Glass Half.................

Hello Friends!  Summer is ending soon, and I can't even tell you where it went!  I got my "official" school letter today announcing the back to school breakfast and faculty meetings...........that's the first sign.  Andrew is off this weekend to his Florida grandparent's house, so that is always the second sign that summer vacation is over. School starts so early this year - Aug. 15!  The past few years it just seems to get earlier and earlier.  There was a time when I thought Aug 24 was too early, but now that looks like an ideal date!  I've been at school several days in the past couple of weeks, and it looks like I am ready.......at least the classroom looks ready.  Am I ready?  Might be a different answer.

Most of you know that I am over-the-moon happy with the direction of my life right now. I have lost weight, I am in a relationship with ABSOLUTELY the right person for me, Andrew has adjusted and is happy,and there seems to be less stress in my life.........at least at this moment. I hope to be able to continue to lose weight once school starts again; it is too hard to diet when I am home in the summer! Everything has settled into a very comfortable routine.  It has, again, given me the chance to step outside myself and look at my life and assess.

If you know me at all, you know I am a planner.  There has never been a time in my life when I didn't think planning allowed me to handle life situations well.  Planning is not easy, nor is it fool-proof, especially when dealing with non-planners - as was the case in my marriage.  Now I'm not saying that everyone should be a planner.....heaven knows my planning often makes me miserable!  Then come children - no one can plan anything with children!  But generally, I have planned for almost every possible contingency in life.  Recently, however, I have begun to think that I am doing it backward, or at least causing myself added stress by planning so much!

My philosophy has been - at least for the past 25 years - "Prepare for the Worst, Hope for the Best."  I thought that would reduce disappointment in my life.  As I began to think along those lines, I got pretty good at figuring out what the "worst" might be.  I spent hours and hours worrying about how I would handle the "what-ifs."  In fact, I spent much more time worrying about those "what-ifs" than living life in the present!  How silly is that?  I missed things in my life because I was busy worrying about things that might or might not happen!  That is often called seeing "the glass half empty."  John said this in a conversation and it struck me.  I DO LOOK AT LIFE THAT WAY!  So much so, that sometimes, when the best happens, I am not as joyful as I could be.   I am simply grateful that the worst DIDN'T happen.  There is an absolute difference between the emotions!

So, my new goal........an added goal..........to look at the glass as half full.  This will be a difficult adjustment, I fear, because old habits die hard.  I need to embrace the here and now.  Not worry about what might happen in the future..........it will either happen or not.  I intend to plan, and make wise life decisions, but try really hard to change my approach.  I think I will be a happier person in the long run.  Plus, everything in my life is AWESOME right now, so I don't have anything to worry about.  :)

Until next time, Just Julie

Reflection

Hello Friends! Two things have happened this week that have caused me to do a little reflecting.  This is usually a time when people examine things and think of things they would have done differently.  Today's reflection, however, is to mark how much I have done in 2 years and make a plan from here forward!This week, two people have stopped me and asked if I have lost weight.  Now, for those of you who don't have a weight issue, you don't understand how HUGE this is.  When you are overweight, people don't want to say anything about weight until you have lost enough that they can be absolutely positive the answer to their question is yes........otherwise it is best to keep their mouth quiet.  Yes, my magic number is 36 from my highest point last year!  The people that asked me this week are people I don't see often, so they had to have noticed a remarkable difference.  I was able to put a smile on my face and answer, "Yes, I have lost 40 pounds."  (I did lose 40 and have gained a little this summer.......grrr)  I have lots of people in my daily life that have noticed and supported me along the way, but this week made me feel sooooo good.......not good enough not to eat the brownie with ice cream last night.......but really good.  At this point I am just trying to maintain so I can get back into the routine when school starts.  It's too difficult to be good when I am at home all day!The other thing that prompted this reflection is a second friend commenting that my blog has inspired them to blog.  I blog for me, it is a way for me to get thoughts out of my head and onto paper.  I will say again, the written word is my first choice for important communication, so a blog seemed perfect.  Now, 2500 page views later I am blown away by how much this blog has become a part of my life and the support I get from it.  I am also blown away by how many people have said they have been inspired by me! Really, I don't feel worthy of inspiring anyone, but have drawn strength from the people who have said that to me!  So.................let's look back!  This blog dates back to the summer of 2009, but I really started my journey in earnest in November of 2010 - a little less than 2 years ago.  My divorce was behind me, I finished my Master's degree, and I was beginning to feel strong again.  I started making necklaces as a hobby and quickly found that I could supplement my income with my craft!  I had a phenomenal response to my first 2 outings - I made a little less than $700 dollars for Christmas that year - which was good because I didn't know where Christmas money was going to come from that year!  Here is a picture of me at Andrew's 15th birthday party with family.  This is a bit before November, 2010, but I wasn't taking very many pictures then because I didn't like what I saw!

I wrote this blog to explain my desire for change in my life:

Blog Dated November 10, 2010:  I'm a mom.  It is my most important job and I have loved almost every minute of it.  It has been Andrew and I on our own for 12 years and he is a good kid.  I take pride in that.  Of course, Ron deserves credit too, a lot of Ron is in Andrew.  Anyway, I have put that first since the day he was  born!  All along, I kept thinking that I didn't have time to do anything else.  That changed somewhat when I started working again when Andrew was 3, but that wasn't really for me - it was something I had to do to pay the bills. The first time I really did something for me - and me alone - was joining the Community Choir.  I credit my parents for that because it was as large a commitment for them as it was for me.  I then began to see that when I took time to do things for me, I became a better person.  It gave me an outlet and an identity other than "Andrew's Mom", although that is still my favorite.  My singing has become a much larger part of my life than I ever dreamed!  Thanks to my friend Rich for that.  From that came the courage to enroll in grad school, something I thought I would never do.  Not only did I succeed, I enjoyed it!  Thanks to my friend Dianne for that.  Now I do other things that are JUST for me, and I love it!  I am first and foremost Andrew's mom, but I am also JUST JULIE! Thanks to my brother Rob for the logo.  Until next time, Julie


Now, this was my way of expressing myself and my desire for change, but it seemed to be something that everyone understood, and the support I gained spurred me on.  I became a happier person and did more things that I wanted to do, not just the things that others wanted me to do, or that I perceived others wanted me to do. This became a springboard for me to really examine what made me happy in life.   


Time moved on and I moved with it.  I really worked on becoming who I wanted to be and that involved many changes.  Learning to use the word "No" was one of them and learning that I wanted more people in my life was another.  I had thought about that many times, but finally had the courage to join Match.com, after a disasterous start with eHarmony.  I wasn't convinced that anything would come of it and, honestly, only had enough money for 3 months.  One day in the 3rd month, a picture and profile came up that drew me in immediately.......and soon after that, I met John. Most of you know how happy I have been the past 2 months.  To quote my sister, "If you keep this happiness stuff up I may have to..........throw up."  I've told her to keep the puke pan at the ready, because I want to keep being this happy!  I have found the road that I want to be on and don't intend on straying off this path anytime in the foreseeable future.  Life is good!  Life is really good!  Life is great!  

Here is a picture I took last week...........I can look at this picture and smile - this is the me I want to keep improving.  I don't want to go back, only forward.  Thanks for all your support and help!  I have often referred to the Hillary Clinton quote, "It takes a village to raise a child."  Well, it takes a village to rebuild a life, so THANKS GO OUT TO MY VILLAGE!  Until next time - Julie

Summer, summer, summertime!

Hello Friends - When I was in junior high, we did an adaptation of the play You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.  I played the part of Lucy - my first, and last, starring role in anything theatrical!  Anyway, Snoopy sings the song Suppertime.  The chorus goes, "Supper, supper, suppertime" and he sings it while he is dancing around.  This is how I feel about summertime.  It goes so quickly and it always seems I have so much on my to do list! Hard to believe that summer vacation is 5 weeks old!

My brother Rob and his family came to visit from Texas last week.  They had been in St. Louis all week and came to Kirksville for a couple of days before heading back to Texas.  They were pretty exhausted from traveling by the time they got here, so we had a pretty low-key visit.  They all stayed at my house and it was cozy, but manageable.  It went very well.  It isn't often that all three siblings are in Mom and Dad's house at the same time, so these are special memories.  Becca, Rob's daughter, will be 12 in August and is becoming such a beautiful young woman.  Ben is a pretty funny kid, even though traveling is very difficult for him.  He was fascinated by all the fans in my house.  He would wander from room to room and turn each fan on and off.  He would then make the same comment about each:  "That's an awfully nice fan."  He did this repeatedly throughout the 2 days he was here.  He also has such good manners!  If you asked him to do something he didn't want to do he would reply, "No mam." and walk away.  Rob and Jenn are doing a fabulous job with both of them.  Notice I am in none of the pictures...........I was in the kitchen fixing the food and when we were done with the meal, Tracy was in the kitchen cleaning up...........Oh well, they know what I look like!

The question comes up repeatedly:  How is my love life?  The answer:  Good, very good, great, BIG SMILE!  I can honestly say that this is the most unexpected life change!  For years I thought I would never trust or open up to another person ever again, but that is not the case.  It proves that when the right person comes along, you just know!  Oh, and, NEVER SAY NEVER!  John has been wonderfully kind to both Andrew and I.  Recently we went to John's parents' house for a fish fry with his family.  Andrew and I arrived before John, but felt comfortable enough to go in and start preparing the watermelon we had brought.  We hadn't been there 5 minutes before I cut myself with the knife Shirley gave me to use.  Now, this wasn't a small knife cut!  This was cutting off the tip of my finger!  I was able to move away and wrap it up with a paper towel so the watermelon could be saved, but the injury was worse than any cut I have had.  Once I took the paper towel away and saw how much blood there was, I felt faint...........this is when John and his 2 daughters arrived!  Nothing like a little drama!  Luckily, there was a nurse there, Mary, and she was able to get the bleeding stopped and wrap it up.  There was no need to go to the hospital since there was nothing to sew back on and we were able to stay there for the evening.  Thank you goes out to Nurse Mary (I don't even know her last name) and the Henderson clan for helping me through this.  I guess there is always a story with every event..........and I will never, ever be allowed to cut a watermelon without hearing about that night again!  My finger is fine, growing back nicely, and even though I don't have feeling in it right now, the doctor feels sure I will eventually get those nerve endings back. Here is a picture of the fish Andrew caught later that evening.

This last picture is of the roses that John bought me later that weekend.  I can't think of the last time I have had a dozen red roses from someone other than my mother or father and it was RIDICULOUS how happy these flowers made me.  I feel young and silly again..........at the tender age of 47!  Life is GOOD!

Until later friends - Just Julie

Families That Play Together..................

Hello Friends!  Happy Summer!  When a person decides to become a teacher, they must take into account the stress, low wage, and overwhelming responsibilities that are attached to that profession.  Having said that, June and July are the months that allow us to re-evaluate that decision and leads us back to the classroom in August.  I am now accustomed to sleeping until 8:00, walking in the morning, and spending at least 2 afternoons a week in a pool floating around getting a tan!  Ah, summer!

Last weekend, I went to a rodeo.  Yes, a rodeo.  I have been to one previously, when Andrew was young, but I found that I am  really, really clueless about anything related to rodeos.  It is accurate to say that I got a bit of an education!  My friend John and his family invited me to go to the LaBelle rodeo and I was glad to get the opportunity.  See, they love horses.  John's brother and his family and John's parents have enjoyed rodeos and horse shows for years.  We sat front and center, where I could see everything, and we all enjoyed it.  The weather was pleasant, the company friendly, and the experience was very nice.  As I sat and watched everything that was going on around me - there was quite a crowd - I noticed one thing.  There were lots and lots of families that were attending this together.  Mothers and fathers with children young and old.  Grandmas and Grandpas, neighbors and school friends were all happily chattering away and having a fun time. One young family sitting next to us had the cutest little boy - probably 3 or 4 years old - who was wearing his cowboy hat, boots, and spurs.  He was adorable!  I smiled a lot that evening, and even though I am quite sure I will never be a rodeo aficionado, I truly enjoyed every minute of my time there.

It made me think about families.  John's family shares a love of horses, the land they farm, and each other.   My family had other passions. When I was in high school, I  was "pushed" out onto the tennis court by my parents my freshman year.  It's not that I didn't want to play tennis, I just hadn't ever played it before.  At that point, my entire family became tennis players.  We played several evenings a week, my parents drove us to tournaments in the summer, and my father and I even entered tourneys as a mixed doubles team.  That became our "thing".  By the time my sister and brother were older, they became swimmers as well.  My family traveled many-a-mile to swim clubs all over Missouri and southern Illinois.  I know families that do many different  activities too.  In fact, whether it is basketball, baseball, soccer, dance, pageants, music, racing, swimming, rodeos, bowling, church, basket collecting, or anything else, the common denominator is family.  It doesn't matter WHAT you are doing, the key is that you are doing it TOGETHER!  As a child, that often seemed a bit smothering.  I know Andrew sometimes wishes he could do more things alone, independently, but these are the things that family memories are made of.  I can't remember a lot of the things I did with friends when I was a teenager even though I had awesome friends. I do, however, remember the tennis I played with my father, the swim meets we attended together, the music recitals and concerts we participated in, or the Longaberger events I traveled to  with my mother.  I see a lot of students pass through my classroom door each year.  There are many things that affect the success of a child, but the single most important variable is the relationship those students have with their family, and how that family spends their time together.  Supportive loving family = Successful happy kids! 

I am very fortunate to be blessed with a very supportive loving family and my most important objective in life is to provide that for Andrew as well.  Every family is different, or course, but I do believe the saying is true - The family that plays together, stays together.  Go out and PLAY with your family! :)  Until later - Just Julie

The Years Are Short

Today a friend in Washington posted this on Facebook.  She was lamenting the fact that her son was going to be a senior in high school next year and how that could possibly be.  When Andrew was born, I became part of a Mom's group.  There were six stay-at-home moms who had babies within 6 months of each other.  We started meeting once a week because we were all struggling a bit with our new roles and the loss of our identities.  The group remained strong through the time we lived in Vancouver, WA - and we added a few more moms.  The core group remained the same, and all of the other families added more children, Andrew was the only child of the bunch.  We have remained in contact through the years, by Christmas cards and more recently through Facebook.  If you read my blog, you know that I am struggling a bit with the speed in which time is racing by.  This video, by a woman named Gretchen Rubin, happiness-project.com,  perfectly embodies what I have been writing about.  In our case, it wouldn't be a bus ride, but it might be a trip in our Nissan van, a story about our dog Kallie, or a project in the yard that we tackled.  Enjoy this video and share your own stories about how you remember the early years of being a parent.  Thanks go out to my friend Stephanie for bringing it to my attention today.  This sounds like a website I will enjoy and be inspired by!  Until Later - Julie

This Boy!

Andrew at 3 days old. 

Hello Friends,  Summer is here and with it comes lazy mornings, relaxing evenings, and fun times.  Andrew has been in Chicago this week with Aunt Melissa and I usually enjoy him being gone for about a week.  Today marks a week of his absence in our house, and I am ready for him to come home.  With his 17th birthday just around the corner, I have been a bit nostalgic the past few days, thinking that he is only a few years away from being gone.  Where have the past few years gone?  It seems like it was only yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital.  I often call Andrew my gift from God for many reasons, one of which being that I don't think he would be here without a bit of intervention from above.  A lot of prayer, a super doctor, and weekly injections made my pregnancy possible.  While I know I look about 15 years old in this picture, I was an older mother at age 30 and we were ready to give our child all the love we had to give.  

    

Andrew at 3

Andrew at 5

I was fortunate to be able to stay home with Andrew, so I stopped teaching and was a full time mom.  It had always been my dream to be a stay-at-home mom!  I loved the time I stayed home!  Lots of the time it was just Andrew and I because his father always traveled for his job.  We were two peas in a pod!  We had a comfortable home, great friends and family, and we had so much fun. We moved to Kirksville when Andrew was three, and even though I started working, I still treasured every minute with my boy!  I have written about my commitment to parenting in previous blogs, but there was no other important thing in my life.  Being Andrew's mom was all I wanted to do!  He was such a sweet little guy, always polite and loving.  He slept when he was supposed to sleep, he cuddled when I wanted to cuddle, and we were happy. While it is stressful to be a single parent, I look back on those days with a joy I didn't feel as I was going through it. I was Andrew's mom!

Andrew at 9

As Andrew grew, he became more independent - as kids do - but I still felt that tug at my heart each time we hugged or cuddled.  They tell you before you become a parent that you don't understand love before children, and I can tell you that is true!  One of the things that happens with an only child is that they are often treated like an adult.  This has been true with Andrew!  In some respects we have been fortunate that my sister has 2 boys and they were together a lot, so they were almost like brothers.  Andrew and I loved to do projects together.  We would do things in the yard, or around the house, or for my parents.  Andrew has always been a worker, just like me.  We often accomplished things that astounded me!  

Vacation 3 years ago

It goes without saying that I love my boy!  While he is sometimes a pain in my behind, he is a very good kid. He is responsible and loving, a hard worker, and  very compassionate.  I am so proud of him!  He has lots of really great qualities.  School isn't easy for Andrew, nor does he work as much as he should at it. But he does other things without difficulty.  I have watched him take apart a lawn mower and put it back together.  I have seen him fix items in our house.  These are things I did not teach him!  He figured it out on his own!  He is an awesome traveler.  I love taking trips with him - even though he does get stressed out sometimes!  

Happy Birthday to my baby boy Andrew!  As much as you will hate this, you are still my baby.  I will love you for always.  Our lives will change in many ways over the coming years, but I will always be there for you!  No matter what!

I LOVE to hear Andrew laugh!

Until later Friends, Julie

Teenagers

Hello Friends!  It is the final week of school and I can see the finish line from here.  I am sure it is my age, and the age of my son, but I seem to have gotten a lot of graduation announcements and party invitations in the mail, on Facebook, and in my email inbox in the past month. Now, I don't want to be Debbie Downer - graduation is an exciting time and a milestone achievement in life!  So congrats to all the graduates! Your hard work has paid off and hopefully you are prepared for the challenges that lie ahead! I have been thinking back to my own high school graduation, when I thought I had it all figured out.  HA - what a joke that is now!  I had NOTHING figured out!  I do, however, remember thinking that the day after graduation I was going to feel different.  I also remember waking up the next morning realizing that I felt nothing different.  In fact, I was starting all over again!  Graduating looks so exciting when it is on the horizon, but in fact it is simply an end and a new beginning.  Exciting?  Yes.  Life changing?  Maybe. The finish line?  No.  While I understand why we can't make these 17 and 18 year olds understand this, I sometimes wish someone had prepared me for the feelings of "the morning after."  Even my classmates who weren't going off to college had big decisions still to be made!  We were old enough to be done with high school, but not quite mature enough to be adults.............at least I wasn't!

On the other end of the spectrum, I have been accused of acting like a teenager lately.  On more than one occasion, I have been known to smile, giggle, or even laugh out loud while looking at my phone.  I have discovered that dating now is much different than dating when I actually WAS a teenager!  Gone are the days of staying home and waiting for the phone to ring. (And gone are the days when the telephone was in the family kitchen and attached to the wall- making private conversations totally nonexistent.) Now, the phone goes with us, and doesn't even have to ring.  A few words by text message and a wink or a smile can be sent or received within seconds.  There are several things here that have me perplexed.  Is it better simply because communication is much simpler to achieve, or is it better because I am a different person than I was 35 years ago?I am convinced it is both, but mostly the later.  I have come to realize that I need to decide who I want to be, not wait for someone to tell me who to be.  I have also come to discover that I should only ever be 100% myself! This was not the case when I was younger.  With maturity and battle scars comes wisdom.  I have so much more wisdom than I did then.  I am much more comfortable in my own skin - that wasn't true when I was younger.  Sure, there are lots of things about me that I would love to change, am working on changing, but the list of those desired changes no longer involves my most basic values and beliefs.  The list no longer involves me changing the very foundations of who I am.  I admit that when I was younger, I was searching - searching for direction, searching for faith, searching for love.................and I was not really searching for me!
Now that I have found me, everything else is sweeter.......finding direction, finding faith, finding love.  While I may be looking through rose-colored glasses, I dare say they are actually rosy - and don't just have the illusion of rosiness!

School................well school will be over on Thursday.  This week is basically a play-week.  I am always anxious for the end of school to get here, but with it comes chaos, work, and anxiety.  Certainly, it is not an anxiety born of the unknown, it is more an anxiety of what will come next.  I already have 2 work days scheduled next week - to write reading curriculum.  People often say that teachers have such an easy life - they have summers off.  Those people don't realize that one school year ends and another begins within the next few weeks...................

Hope this finds everyone as happy as I am right now.......everyone should be this happy!

Until later,  Julie