Short and Sweet

I am sitting on my deck and am going to post the shortest blog ever - LIFE IS GOOD! Until next time, Julie

Ode to a Wednesday!

Wednesday wasn't kind to me today!  The day started off okay, and I'm not really sure where it went wrong.................

I have written lately about my "new vision", and my goals.  I have made a lot of great progress and am encouraged about my new happiness.  There have been some twists and turns and I have taken those in stride.......embraced them even!  It wouldn't be fair to say that I am transformed, but in a lot of ways I feel like I am.  I've even had to make some choices recently - something I hate to do - and have felt really, really good about them.  Confident, you might say.  I wrote to friends that I am "settled".

Imagine my surprise today when I was simply doing my job and got called on the carpet.  Luckily, I had done the legwork and paperwork ahead of the situation so I was covered, but still.  Here it is......I had a parent call my principal today and complain that I expected his/her student to turn in classwork/homework!  Yep, that's it!  I'm picking on the kid for pestering about homework!  I don't know about you, but I find that alarming.

Now, I am never, ever going to win Mother-of-the-Year.  I make mistakes with my son each and every day.  I yell about things I shouldn't yell about, accuse him of things he doesn't do, blame him for things that aren't his fault..............lots of things.  But I expect him to do his homework.  ALL OF IT!  There are consequences when he doesn't!  Usually those consequences hurt me more than him because he makes my life miserable, but that doesn't mean I don't expect him to work or that I won't follow through on the consequence!  I have said many times over that the problems in American education aren't entirely educational. We have social problems, and lots of them!  I am appalled at the things people do and say every day!  In school, in social situations, in the news.........everywhere!  Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I took money for teaching school each day and then never expected students to do anything?  Enough of my soapbox, I know that in the long run, the child is the one hurt in a situation like this.  High school comes as a shock for them and some don't make it through.  Sad, really......what's the answer?

On a happier note, the pendants for the KHS girls basketball teams are coming along nicely.  If you need a personalized Mother's Day gift, a pendant with a child's picture on it is a nice gift :) Find a basketball player and order yours now :)

There is still a smile on my face more often than not now...............quite a bit more often, so all is good.  Days like this are going to happen and maybe I just need to use the experience to look at my own child and be thankful he is as good a kid as he is.  He really is.........even though he is costing me a bazillion dollars lately.  Thank God for the rain and the opportunity for him to mow lawns...................  I love my son, very much, and before I know it he will be gone.  I have to stop or I will cry :)  Kiss your kids and have a good end-of-the-week!  Oh, and, Thursday, can you be kinder please! Until later - Julie

The sun is shining, and the birds are singing!

Hello friends!  Today is Monday and it is so pretty outside on my deck!  I love this time of year when the temp is still cool enough to be outside and there aren't many bugs!  I HATE bugs!  A friend and I sat on the deck Saturday night and drank a bottle of wine and enjoyed every drop!  I need to do that more.........just sit and do nothing!

As of today the magic number is 22!  I need to keep my motivation because the scale hasn't moved in over a week.  Hasn't gone up, but hasn't gone down either.  A couple of people have asked me about what I am doing.  I have been watching what I eat pretty consistently for the past year.  I even spent several weeks eating nothing except "diet foods" but was unsuccessful at losing any weight.  The difference this time has been the walking.  I walk every day I can.  I am truly learning to enjoy it too.  I spend that time thinking, reflecting, and thinking about my next "move".  I have found a couple of walking podcasts on iTunes that have made it easy for me to stick to a pretty consistent rhythm when I walk which keeps the heart rate up most of the walk.  Those are Motion Traxx Fuel for Fitness.  The name of the podcasts are Walker's Delight and Walker's Delight 2.  They are free, you just download them to your iPod and then go.  They are good because they are just studio music.  I find that if I am walking to my own favorite music I focus on the songs and don't get that thinking time.  When I am using the podcast and get into a rhythm, I don't even think about how much further I have to go.

I am having an interesting year.  My goal was to step out of my comfort zone and I have to say, I have done that!  I spent a lot of time the past 12 years thinking about what I couldn't do and now I am thinking about what I CAN do!  It has been a bit of an epiphany!  Remember when you were 20 something and you thought you could really do anything you wanted to and could solve ALL the world's problems?  I spent my early adult years feeling that each day.  Then my marriage failed and it felt like I lost all my power because I couldn't fix that.  I have spent the time since feeling defeated and powerless and weak.  I'm not weak, have never been weak, but that is how I was perceiving myself.  Other people didn't think that, I know that now, but it doesn't matter what other people think if you don't believe in yourself.  Anyway, I made a vow to myself to change, and once I came to terms with that vow, there has been no turning back.  I find myself happy like I haven't been for years.  One of the things I told myself I was going to do was let more people into my world.  I have always been close to my family, but when I returned to Kirksville, I didn't make friends because I viewed myself as "damaged goods" and thought no one needed me in their life.  This didn't only apply to men - women too, particularly if they were happily married!  I retreated into the arms of my family and allowed them to fill all of those friend needs.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family and they are among my most prized relationships, but I needed more.  In the past several years I have rediscovered old and developed new friendships that are so awesome!  I can't tell you how important that has been to me!  They listen to me because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to!  How awesome is that?  Some of you are shaking your heads, I should have known, but I didn't allow myself to know!  I am learning.

A happy Julie used to be a rare sight, now I'm happy most of the time!

I am beginning to feel like I can do anything again...........and maybe I can.  I wake up in the morning and I am thinking happy thoughts before I think of my problems.  THIS IS HUGE!  Thanks for all of you who are part of this journey!  I will never be able to repay you except by being a good friend to you.  I allowed myself to believe I was not worth a happy life for too long.  So.......................I am looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and....................The sun is shining, and the birds are singing!  If I am scaring you, I apologize.  Hopefully you will get used to it! HA

Smiles and Laughs!

Hello Friends!  Sometimes God smiles at us and sometimes He laughs!  This past week there was some of both.  My new mantra, "Stronger, Leaner, and Meaner" applies.  I was a bit bruised, but am none the worse for wear.  There are parts of the week that I would like to forget and parts that make me smile.

Remember, I am just now recognizing the new person I hope to become and with that journey there will be bumps!  Everything lately is a learning experience, new things around every turn.  No more details, but know that I am continuing to look for Just Julie adventures.

Tomorrow I am meeting with Sara Williams to talk about the fundraiser for the girls' basketball team summer program. I am hopeful that we will make an agreement and I can get to work right away.  These personalized pendants will be fun to make and, hopefully, will put some much-needed money in my pockets.  Andrew had a fender-bender in the high school parking lot this morning, so we will need to deal with those bills..........does it never end?

I missed walking all last week because of weather and other activities.  I missed it and really enjoyed walking this afternoon, although I didn't walk as much as I was before last week.  I read somewhere that you have to do an activity for a certain span of time before it becomes a habit..........does anyone remember that statistic?  I fell off the healthy eating wagon last weekend too, but it doesn't appear I have gained any of the 22 pounds back as of this morning.  Of course, the Reese's Peanut Butter egg didn't help after school today.  Thanks Mom! HA!

So my question tonight, how do you keep the motivation alive after the novelty has worn off?  That, I think, is where I find myself now.  I had some pretty specific goals related to last weekend and now I need to set some new ones.

Here I am sporting my black eye from a few days ago.  This was only one in a series of freak things that happened! (Cordless phone flew up and hit me square in the eye) God smiled and then did a belly-laugh!

Until later!  Julie

Faith

This post is not particularly easy to write, but it is long overdue.  Some of you know that I have taken a break from church in recent months.  This was by choice, and the time was right.  By now you know that I have had a difficult couple of years.  Honestly, I have had a difficult 12 years!  I am only now emerging from that fog and trying to find myself anew.  I was raised in the church and worship has been a HUGE part of my life always.  It was how I developed and shared my music, and was always part of my identity.  Things like "You are Julie from the Methodist church." or "I recognize you from church." have always been things I hear from people.  Truth is, for a long time, that was the only outlet I allowed myself. In the last year, however, I have looked at things in my life and asked the question, "Why?"  I discovered something interesting - I didn't go to church because I wanted to, I went to church because I was expected to.  There is a difference!  Often I enjoyed my time there, but sometimes it was just something else to cross off the list.

The time presented itself last fall to take a break and Andrew and I took it.  I didn't tell anyone the reason for my absence - that was between me and God.  At first, I didn't miss church.  I missed people, but not church and I thought that maybe I would not go back, or at least change to a different church.  Changing churches was never going to work, however, because my church was where I belong - each and every time I walk through the doors of the sanctuary I think of my grandfather working the day those huge beams came together at the apex of the sanctuary.  Anyway, I began to love Sunday mornings at home. I never had any obligations on Sunday other than church, so lounging, cooking breakfast, doing housework - all those tasks got a couple of extra minutes.

My family didn't even know what was going on in my head.  Some people had an idea about why I was gone, but that wasn't really the reason - although, again, the opportunity presented itself.  Mostly it was a feeling of selfishness - I had gone to church all those years and my life just wasn't getting any easier.  I was praying for things that weren't happening. I have been blessed, very blessed, in my life but it just all seems like a struggle.  Nothing can be easy and nothing seems to ever go according to my plan.  I know, don't say it, I know!  God makes the plans and He has the vision, but I am a control-freak.  I want to be in control.  Is that too much to ask?  Clearly, I had been to church but had never heard the message!

Last week I went back to church because the youth and their parents were starting the "Love, Sex, and Dating" series in Sunday School.  Andrew and I needed to do this, so off we went.  Sunday school was pleasant and much less painful than we both thought it would be.  We headed upstairs to the sanctuary for worship.  It was nice.  I sat with my family and Andrew and I enjoyed it.  There was an announcement about a women's retreat the next Saturday and on a whim I bought a ticket.  This morning I headed out the door for this retreat and really, really needed it.  While I have not come to terms with all my control issues, I know that God has a plan for me!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Here I am out the door this morning!  'Til later - Julie

Mini Celebration!

Hello Friends!

So today I am celebrating!  I have lost 15 pounds since the New Year.  I have approached this with a new outlook - not dieting exactly, but really thinking about the food choices I make.  The truth is that I feel really crappy when I eat crap. (Really technical diet vocabulary) and I KNOW how to feel better!  I eat because I am bored, sad, alone, upset........all of the emotions I have been ignoring for so long.  Certainly, I need to keep this new vision alive - but I have been unable to lose even 5 pounds for the last 5 years!  I have a long way to go, but have a hunch that this time could be different if I really live my words.  Does that make sense?

Words are so easy, ssssooooo easy!  Actions are the hard things. I am at a point in my life where the actions matching the words is essential.  I have no time for people who lie to me - I have had ENOUGH of that!  I want to surround myself with people who are truthful, genuine, and real.  This is so uber-important to me!  Certainly, I am unable to judge people's intrinsic motivations, but if the words match the actions - I'm comfortable.  This is new behavior for me.  I have traditionally taken words as a committment, and then was continually disappointed!  How silly is that?  Like I didn't know any better!

Have you ever noticed that when one thing goes well, everything seems to go well?  School isn't even getting under my skin lately - although I would draw the line at saying it is going well.  Even I am noticing that there is a smile on my face more often now.  I wonder, is it possible to feel this good on a regular basis?  Maybe it is - wouldn't that be GREAT?  I might, however, begin to scare some people who are used to the serious, somber me. LOL - wouldn't that be a hoot?

So, I'm asking you............what makes you happy?  For me right now?  Family, old friends, new friends, feeling like my life is getting under control, walking to great music, breaking my ties with food, getting a good night's sleep every night.  The list could go on!  Plus, it feels like spring!  HOORAY!  Until later, Just Julie

Serendipity

First and foremost, my basement is much, much better.  There really isn't less stuff - although I did throw out 2 garbage cans of stuff - but it is much better organized and less cluttered.  Well, maybe not less cluttered, there still seems to be a LOT of crap down there.  Here are some pictures - because I have a new camera - so you can see how I divided it into 3 different areas.  The good news is that I didn't have to buy anything - I already had all the materials I needed to organize the space.

This is the Just Julie work area!

This is the music and book area!

This is the television/gaming area - where Andrew hangs out most!

This week alone has given me a LOT of time to think.  Most of you know that I think TOO much and it often leaves me stressed and frustrated.  This time, however, I have tried to focus on how things happen.  Life is a journey, and we never know what the next stop on the trip is. Up until about a year ago, I was pretty focused on doing everything that was expected of me.  I thought that if I did that, then good things would happen because I was doing "what I was supposed to".  While it sounds very altruistic, it was really just my defense mechanism.  No one was supposed to notice that I was sad or lonely.  Looking back, I think lots of people noticed, but no one said anything because I didn't seem worried about it.  In reality, I was worried about it but didn't ever speak of it.  Then a funny thing began to happen, and I can't really put a finger on a single trigger.  I guess it was the success of Just Julie and I realized that I really might have something that other people appreciate, but that isn't really it because I had music before that.  Whatever it was, I decided that it was time for me to do things for me!  Now mind you, I hoped I didn't hurt or disappoint anyone, but I began to do things that made me happy.  Many people have noticed a change, which fueled the desire within me.

Then came the new year and I had to really begin to focus on what I wanted.  What I wanted was to get out of my house and enjoy being around people.  I LOVE my friends and family and wouldn't want them to think I don't enjoy being with them, but maybe there could be more out there for me.

SO...........I am trying to meet new people.  Nowadays the way to meet new people is online, and I firmly believe that the internet contributed to the death of my marriage. I had, therefore, resisted meeting people this way due to a fear of hurting other people, or meeting crazy people or weirdos, but I was looking at it wrong! I was seeing only the negatives and ignoring the positives! The number of people we come in contact with in our daily lives is pretty small.  We are bound by geography, our careers, or family to stay in one place, without much opportunity for meeting people different from ourselves.  I'm not just talking about Kirksville, because the same thing happened when I lived in other places. The very thing I was afraid of has now become a great opportunity! The internet allows us to meet people totally outside our small circles!  The world is much "smaller" than it used to be because now we can get online and talk to anyone anywhere in the world.  That realization is what I am calling serendipity!  Who knows what will happen and what twists and turns are ahead.........I'm just glad to be back on the bus!  

Until later - Just Julie