This Boy!

Andrew at 3 days old. 

Hello Friends,  Summer is here and with it comes lazy mornings, relaxing evenings, and fun times.  Andrew has been in Chicago this week with Aunt Melissa and I usually enjoy him being gone for about a week.  Today marks a week of his absence in our house, and I am ready for him to come home.  With his 17th birthday just around the corner, I have been a bit nostalgic the past few days, thinking that he is only a few years away from being gone.  Where have the past few years gone?  It seems like it was only yesterday that I was bringing him home from the hospital.  I often call Andrew my gift from God for many reasons, one of which being that I don't think he would be here without a bit of intervention from above.  A lot of prayer, a super doctor, and weekly injections made my pregnancy possible.  While I know I look about 15 years old in this picture, I was an older mother at age 30 and we were ready to give our child all the love we had to give.  

    

Andrew at 3

Andrew at 5

I was fortunate to be able to stay home with Andrew, so I stopped teaching and was a full time mom.  It had always been my dream to be a stay-at-home mom!  I loved the time I stayed home!  Lots of the time it was just Andrew and I because his father always traveled for his job.  We were two peas in a pod!  We had a comfortable home, great friends and family, and we had so much fun. We moved to Kirksville when Andrew was three, and even though I started working, I still treasured every minute with my boy!  I have written about my commitment to parenting in previous blogs, but there was no other important thing in my life.  Being Andrew's mom was all I wanted to do!  He was such a sweet little guy, always polite and loving.  He slept when he was supposed to sleep, he cuddled when I wanted to cuddle, and we were happy. While it is stressful to be a single parent, I look back on those days with a joy I didn't feel as I was going through it. I was Andrew's mom!

Andrew at 9

As Andrew grew, he became more independent - as kids do - but I still felt that tug at my heart each time we hugged or cuddled.  They tell you before you become a parent that you don't understand love before children, and I can tell you that is true!  One of the things that happens with an only child is that they are often treated like an adult.  This has been true with Andrew!  In some respects we have been fortunate that my sister has 2 boys and they were together a lot, so they were almost like brothers.  Andrew and I loved to do projects together.  We would do things in the yard, or around the house, or for my parents.  Andrew has always been a worker, just like me.  We often accomplished things that astounded me!  

Vacation 3 years ago

It goes without saying that I love my boy!  While he is sometimes a pain in my behind, he is a very good kid. He is responsible and loving, a hard worker, and  very compassionate.  I am so proud of him!  He has lots of really great qualities.  School isn't easy for Andrew, nor does he work as much as he should at it. But he does other things without difficulty.  I have watched him take apart a lawn mower and put it back together.  I have seen him fix items in our house.  These are things I did not teach him!  He figured it out on his own!  He is an awesome traveler.  I love taking trips with him - even though he does get stressed out sometimes!  

Happy Birthday to my baby boy Andrew!  As much as you will hate this, you are still my baby.  I will love you for always.  Our lives will change in many ways over the coming years, but I will always be there for you!  No matter what!

I LOVE to hear Andrew laugh!

Until later Friends, Julie

Teenagers

Hello Friends!  It is the final week of school and I can see the finish line from here.  I am sure it is my age, and the age of my son, but I seem to have gotten a lot of graduation announcements and party invitations in the mail, on Facebook, and in my email inbox in the past month. Now, I don't want to be Debbie Downer - graduation is an exciting time and a milestone achievement in life!  So congrats to all the graduates! Your hard work has paid off and hopefully you are prepared for the challenges that lie ahead! I have been thinking back to my own high school graduation, when I thought I had it all figured out.  HA - what a joke that is now!  I had NOTHING figured out!  I do, however, remember thinking that the day after graduation I was going to feel different.  I also remember waking up the next morning realizing that I felt nothing different.  In fact, I was starting all over again!  Graduating looks so exciting when it is on the horizon, but in fact it is simply an end and a new beginning.  Exciting?  Yes.  Life changing?  Maybe. The finish line?  No.  While I understand why we can't make these 17 and 18 year olds understand this, I sometimes wish someone had prepared me for the feelings of "the morning after."  Even my classmates who weren't going off to college had big decisions still to be made!  We were old enough to be done with high school, but not quite mature enough to be adults.............at least I wasn't!

On the other end of the spectrum, I have been accused of acting like a teenager lately.  On more than one occasion, I have been known to smile, giggle, or even laugh out loud while looking at my phone.  I have discovered that dating now is much different than dating when I actually WAS a teenager!  Gone are the days of staying home and waiting for the phone to ring. (And gone are the days when the telephone was in the family kitchen and attached to the wall- making private conversations totally nonexistent.) Now, the phone goes with us, and doesn't even have to ring.  A few words by text message and a wink or a smile can be sent or received within seconds.  There are several things here that have me perplexed.  Is it better simply because communication is much simpler to achieve, or is it better because I am a different person than I was 35 years ago?I am convinced it is both, but mostly the later.  I have come to realize that I need to decide who I want to be, not wait for someone to tell me who to be.  I have also come to discover that I should only ever be 100% myself! This was not the case when I was younger.  With maturity and battle scars comes wisdom.  I have so much more wisdom than I did then.  I am much more comfortable in my own skin - that wasn't true when I was younger.  Sure, there are lots of things about me that I would love to change, am working on changing, but the list of those desired changes no longer involves my most basic values and beliefs.  The list no longer involves me changing the very foundations of who I am.  I admit that when I was younger, I was searching - searching for direction, searching for faith, searching for love.................and I was not really searching for me!
Now that I have found me, everything else is sweeter.......finding direction, finding faith, finding love.  While I may be looking through rose-colored glasses, I dare say they are actually rosy - and don't just have the illusion of rosiness!

School................well school will be over on Thursday.  This week is basically a play-week.  I am always anxious for the end of school to get here, but with it comes chaos, work, and anxiety.  Certainly, it is not an anxiety born of the unknown, it is more an anxiety of what will come next.  I already have 2 work days scheduled next week - to write reading curriculum.  People often say that teachers have such an easy life - they have summers off.  Those people don't realize that one school year ends and another begins within the next few weeks...................

Hope this finds everyone as happy as I am right now.......everyone should be this happy!

Until later,  Julie

Happiness!

Hello Friends!  I hope everyone is having a fabulous spring.  I know I am!  Life is good! Really good!  Really, really good.............and it makes me happy. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be in this place, I would have said, "Hell no, I will not, why would I want to do that?"  If you had told me a year ago I would be in this place, I would have said, "No, no, I don't want that."  If you had told me 6 months ago I would be in this place, I would have said, "No, there isn't anyone out there for me."  Today?  I'm simply smiling.  A LOT!

I have read a lot of books over the past 10 years about how to find happiness, and be grateful for the simple things.  Life gets complicated sometimes.  So, so complicated!  It is easy to lose track of what is important.  I have come back to the core of what I was looking for, happiness!  I am ridiculously happy right now, and I love it!  Honestly, I am beginning to think this has been God's plan all the time.  Remember when I wrote about losing my faith and being tired of waiting for my prayers to be answered?  I spent years waiting for my "real life" to begin.  Years!  All that time has led me to this place in my life, however.  It wasn't easy, and there were many tantrums and tears along the way, but I wouldn't be who I am now without that time.  I think that, along with my acceptance that God answers prayers in His own way and on His own timetable, has brought me here!  My original vision was that I needed to find what made me happy.  I have found friends, a hobby that I enjoy, a long-needed fitness overhaul, and a very special man, John. If you follow me on Facebook you already know this......and he is wonderful.

I have often heard people say that you have to go out and find your happiness.  I never believed that because I thought that if it was truly meant to be, then happiness would find you.  Now I see it is a combination of both.  Happiness cannot come through a closed door.  There must be at least a part of it open...........that's what I think I have done this year.  However small, I opened the door and took the risks needed for happiness to find me right now......and I am happy!

The school year is winding down and I can see summer on the horizon.  I enjoy summer as a time to focus on what needs to be done around the house, recharging my energy for school, relaxing, and enjoying the freedom that comes with no schedule.  My friend Dianne will be back in Northeast Missouri for the summer and I am really, really, really looking forward to lazy afternoons in her pool where no one can see us in bathing suits! :)  The necklace fund raiser went well - Coach Williams is happy with the outcome and so am I.  I will also have some time this summer to get all that organized and ready to go for the fall and holiday season.

Friends, I hope you feel as happy as I do!  I had truly forgotten how this feels!

Life Moments

Hello Friends!  It is the end of April and I don't know where time goes?  All is well, but life just seems to be flying by..........  When Andrew was young, people would say, "Enjoy this because it will be gone before you know it!"  My response to that was usually amused acknowledgement - I heard it, and knew that they felt it was true, but didn't see the application in my life.  I was working too hard at it, trudging ahead, mired down in the enormity of my responsibilities.  Things were ticked off as in a list - preschool √, kindergarten √, soccer √, baseball √, church activities √ the list goes on and on.  Often, I felt so overwhelmed that I thought I would never get through it.  Those thoughts still come, but not as often now.  What is happening, however, is that warp speed that wiser parents referred to. When did it all start going so fast?  Yesterday, my baby boy took a friend to her senior prom.  He was all the things a good escort should be......tall, handsome, polite. (I hope)  It almost seemed surreal.  My son could not possibly be old enough to go to prom, right?  A friend told me not to cry, and I didn't think I would.  But today, looking at all the pictures, I felt like crying a little.  Not because I am sad, but because it is bittersweet to watch these milestones pass.  In another couple of years, this will be over.  I'm not sure how that has happened since I haven't aged at all in the past 15 years............HA!

This is what Andrew looks like in my mind's eye!

Andrew and his friend Kaitlin off to prom

The KHS girls basketball fundraiser has been a success, they sold about 70 pendants and will walk away with more than $600..........I hope that equals a success to them, it does to me.  I have had some interest in doing a similar fundraiser in the fall with the dance team.....I might be up for that one too!  


In regard to my goals for this year, I have good news to report on that front too.  The magic number is 30 - and I am feeling good.  Having said that, I had a horrible food day today!  Back on the wagon tomorrow!  I also have new people in my life, and the twists in the road might be evening out.........and I am enjoying every minute of it.


School is almost over for the year, and I am looking forward to some quiet time in June and July.  Again, where does time go.  Hope there is as much joy in your life as there is in mine right now!  Until later.....Julie

Short and Sweet

I am sitting on my deck and am going to post the shortest blog ever - LIFE IS GOOD! Until next time, Julie

Ode to a Wednesday!

Wednesday wasn't kind to me today!  The day started off okay, and I'm not really sure where it went wrong.................

I have written lately about my "new vision", and my goals.  I have made a lot of great progress and am encouraged about my new happiness.  There have been some twists and turns and I have taken those in stride.......embraced them even!  It wouldn't be fair to say that I am transformed, but in a lot of ways I feel like I am.  I've even had to make some choices recently - something I hate to do - and have felt really, really good about them.  Confident, you might say.  I wrote to friends that I am "settled".

Imagine my surprise today when I was simply doing my job and got called on the carpet.  Luckily, I had done the legwork and paperwork ahead of the situation so I was covered, but still.  Here it is......I had a parent call my principal today and complain that I expected his/her student to turn in classwork/homework!  Yep, that's it!  I'm picking on the kid for pestering about homework!  I don't know about you, but I find that alarming.

Now, I am never, ever going to win Mother-of-the-Year.  I make mistakes with my son each and every day.  I yell about things I shouldn't yell about, accuse him of things he doesn't do, blame him for things that aren't his fault..............lots of things.  But I expect him to do his homework.  ALL OF IT!  There are consequences when he doesn't!  Usually those consequences hurt me more than him because he makes my life miserable, but that doesn't mean I don't expect him to work or that I won't follow through on the consequence!  I have said many times over that the problems in American education aren't entirely educational. We have social problems, and lots of them!  I am appalled at the things people do and say every day!  In school, in social situations, in the news.........everywhere!  Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I took money for teaching school each day and then never expected students to do anything?  Enough of my soapbox, I know that in the long run, the child is the one hurt in a situation like this.  High school comes as a shock for them and some don't make it through.  Sad, really......what's the answer?

On a happier note, the pendants for the KHS girls basketball teams are coming along nicely.  If you need a personalized Mother's Day gift, a pendant with a child's picture on it is a nice gift :) Find a basketball player and order yours now :)

There is still a smile on my face more often than not now...............quite a bit more often, so all is good.  Days like this are going to happen and maybe I just need to use the experience to look at my own child and be thankful he is as good a kid as he is.  He really is.........even though he is costing me a bazillion dollars lately.  Thank God for the rain and the opportunity for him to mow lawns...................  I love my son, very much, and before I know it he will be gone.  I have to stop or I will cry :)  Kiss your kids and have a good end-of-the-week!  Oh, and, Thursday, can you be kinder please! Until later - Julie

The sun is shining, and the birds are singing!

Hello friends!  Today is Monday and it is so pretty outside on my deck!  I love this time of year when the temp is still cool enough to be outside and there aren't many bugs!  I HATE bugs!  A friend and I sat on the deck Saturday night and drank a bottle of wine and enjoyed every drop!  I need to do that more.........just sit and do nothing!

As of today the magic number is 22!  I need to keep my motivation because the scale hasn't moved in over a week.  Hasn't gone up, but hasn't gone down either.  A couple of people have asked me about what I am doing.  I have been watching what I eat pretty consistently for the past year.  I even spent several weeks eating nothing except "diet foods" but was unsuccessful at losing any weight.  The difference this time has been the walking.  I walk every day I can.  I am truly learning to enjoy it too.  I spend that time thinking, reflecting, and thinking about my next "move".  I have found a couple of walking podcasts on iTunes that have made it easy for me to stick to a pretty consistent rhythm when I walk which keeps the heart rate up most of the walk.  Those are Motion Traxx Fuel for Fitness.  The name of the podcasts are Walker's Delight and Walker's Delight 2.  They are free, you just download them to your iPod and then go.  They are good because they are just studio music.  I find that if I am walking to my own favorite music I focus on the songs and don't get that thinking time.  When I am using the podcast and get into a rhythm, I don't even think about how much further I have to go.

I am having an interesting year.  My goal was to step out of my comfort zone and I have to say, I have done that!  I spent a lot of time the past 12 years thinking about what I couldn't do and now I am thinking about what I CAN do!  It has been a bit of an epiphany!  Remember when you were 20 something and you thought you could really do anything you wanted to and could solve ALL the world's problems?  I spent my early adult years feeling that each day.  Then my marriage failed and it felt like I lost all my power because I couldn't fix that.  I have spent the time since feeling defeated and powerless and weak.  I'm not weak, have never been weak, but that is how I was perceiving myself.  Other people didn't think that, I know that now, but it doesn't matter what other people think if you don't believe in yourself.  Anyway, I made a vow to myself to change, and once I came to terms with that vow, there has been no turning back.  I find myself happy like I haven't been for years.  One of the things I told myself I was going to do was let more people into my world.  I have always been close to my family, but when I returned to Kirksville, I didn't make friends because I viewed myself as "damaged goods" and thought no one needed me in their life.  This didn't only apply to men - women too, particularly if they were happily married!  I retreated into the arms of my family and allowed them to fill all of those friend needs.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family and they are among my most prized relationships, but I needed more.  In the past several years I have rediscovered old and developed new friendships that are so awesome!  I can't tell you how important that has been to me!  They listen to me because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to!  How awesome is that?  Some of you are shaking your heads, I should have known, but I didn't allow myself to know!  I am learning.

A happy Julie used to be a rare sight, now I'm happy most of the time!

I am beginning to feel like I can do anything again...........and maybe I can.  I wake up in the morning and I am thinking happy thoughts before I think of my problems.  THIS IS HUGE!  Thanks for all of you who are part of this journey!  I will never be able to repay you except by being a good friend to you.  I allowed myself to believe I was not worth a happy life for too long.  So.......................I am looking forward to tomorrow and the day after that and....................The sun is shining, and the birds are singing!  If I am scaring you, I apologize.  Hopefully you will get used to it! HA