By The Grace Of God

Hello friends!  It has been so long, and I have no explanation except to say that I have been busy………but we are all busy!  Part of the reason I have been neglecting my blog is that I have fallen behind in my quest for health and fitness.  I stopped walking during early this year and haven't been able to get back in a routine.  I have struggled with hip and knee pain, so it is hard to get myself moving.  This isn't a reasonable excuse because, of course, I know that the more I move, the more I will be able to manage joint pain. I plan on talking to the doctor about these issues at my yearly exam in January.  I'm not back to square one, but I am watching the scale inch up!  That DOESN'T make me happy!

What DOES make me happy is John.  He is a blessing in so many ways.  It is hard to imagine that 18 months have passed!  My life is so different!  Even though the "newness" of our relationship has dwindled, it has been replaced by a real, lasting sense of love, security, and peace.  I have wanted a relationship like this all my life.  He is wonderful and truly my soul mate.

I was doing some reflection the other day compliments of Katy Perry.  Her newest album came out in October.  I have always enjoyed her whimsical music, but her latest music has an entirely different tone.  I was initially drawn to the song named "Roar", but was entirely blown away by the song entitled, "By The Grace Of God."  This song hit a nerve in me!  I had read that Katy Perry had written the music on this album in her post-divorce life.  This song, "By The Grace Of God" is spot on.  I think I have written in previous blogs about the pain of divorce.  It is intense, and unimaginatively gut-wrenching.  Without telling you all the dark details, I found myself questioning the very need to get out of bed in the morning.  I can look back on that time now and know that without Andrew, I'm not sure what I might have been capable of.  There were many, many nights when I cried myself to sleep, and one particularly dark day in Florida when I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for 3 hours wondering how long I could lay there before anyone would find me. (See lyrics of song)  BTW:  No one came and found me on the floor……………….

Pain can be so raw, so biting, so intimate.  It invades your life and consumes you.  I may or may not have written about this before, but my pre-divorce world included NO OTHER DIVORCED PEOPLE.  None of my family, close friends, or close colleagues had been through a divorce.  Even now, I don't have many people in my life who have been through this process.  I have been blessed in life not to have to deal with much tragedy, but divorce is a tragedy. Regardless of the reason.  This, I have learned!  I also don't think that people understand that pain until they have gone through it.

Anyway, Katy Perry's song took all of those raw, painful feelings and put them in a song.  I am including the lyrics here:

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Music often allows us to express emotion that can't be spoken in words.  I believe Katy Perry has done that in this song.  I applaud her courage, wish I had been as strong.  The thing is, no matter what the reason for the divorce, the pain is the same.  I felt like a total failure……for years!  I allowed it to define me, hold me back, paralyze me in fear……….but no more!  If you read the lyrics of Ms. Perry's song, there is a change in the 2nd verse.  It really is like this!

I vow to be more sensitive to people going through this.  While it is happening to you, it is easy to think you are the only person who ever felt like this, but that's not true.  Not true at all!  It is much easier to pick yourself back up and look in the mirror when you know you are not the only person feeling this way.  Thank you Katy Perry for sharing your pain in a beautiful way and for voicing all the deep, dark secrets I had!  Until next time friends!  Just Julie

PS:  I tried to attach a link to the song on You Tube.  I see that the link is there, but I wasn't very successful with it.  You might want to go and just type in the name of the song.  It will be worth your time.  I promise!


http://youtu.be/QArN5rFv-uQ