I have been a single mother since 1998 - actually before that - but officially since Andrew was 3. We moved back to Kirksville because that is where my family was. I had no burning desire to return to my roots, but realized that I couldn't do this alone. In retrospect, this was a very, very wise move. I now see that raising my son in this small community built stronger family ties, afforded us a comfortable living, and allowed Andrew to grow up in a "village" of people who love and care for him. The same things that made me hate Kirksville as I was growing up were the things that made me love it raising my own child. Andrew was my first and only priority, and it was easy. For years, I never gave a second thought to what I wanted, that didn't matter. It was all about Andrew. I believed that there wasn't any time for anything else in my life............and there really wasn't.
Fast forward several years. I began to recognize that there needed to be more in my life and threw myself into community and church activities. Andrew and I were so busy we met ourselves coming and going. There was a deep sense of gratification that came with all the good things we did, but I was still lacking the sense that there was anything in my life that was for me. I convinced myself that I would never have a relationship again - in fact, I avoided a formal divorce because I thought it would keep me "safe". Of course now I see how silly that was! It only trapped me in a perpetual sense or limbo - this "temporary place" of in between. Finally, I was divorced in 2010 and set out on a journey that has changed my life.
The reason that I need to include this history in my post is because without this piece of the puzzle, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that I took the gigantic steps I took in 2012. On the contrary, it was a HUGE deal. I need to give some credit to a book I read cover to cover named Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book had been recommended to me years before by a counselor but, for whatever reason, I decided to read it and really see how it related to my life. I spent many hours, tears, and tantrums realizing that I was a CLASSIC CODEPENDENT! IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE! I recognized myself in each and every chapter. I saw that I had devoted my life to fixing things for everyone in my life, but never myself. It was as if a 1000 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. It gave me permission to begin thinking about what I wanted in life. To NOT always focus on making others happy at the expense of my own happiness. This was the turning point, but I wasn't quite there yet.
I began to focus on what I wanted. Still to this day I think it sounds selfish, but I learned the word "no." It became easier as time went on. I saw myself begin to open up, be more willing to invite people into my life, and begin to trust again. I started to blog, and began making necklaces. I found that people really liked me (yes, you read that right - I always assumed people just tolerated me) and that they appreciated what I did. I sold necklaces and gained more self-confidence. The thought in my head became, "Maybe, maybe there could be something more for me out there." I came to the realization that my "temporary" life had become permanent - and what did I have to show for it?
Enter 2012! The first step I took was to be intentional and deliberate about taking better care of myself. I had been trying to lose weight casually for the year previous, but 2012 saw me get very motivated! After some initial success, I began to walk daily. I walked and walked and walked.........and I loved it! I tried to do some jogging, but that wasn't for me. I was content to walk. Most days I walked 2 - 2.5 miles and saw weight begin to fall off. Honestly, I can pinpoint an 8 week period in the spring of 2012 where I dropped about 25 pounds. Greek yogurt, fruits and veggies, and chicken were my staples. Andrew thrived as well. I felt SO much better, I didn't have digestion problems I had battled for years, and I was losing weight. Why had I waited so long to do this? (Again, emotional insulation) During the same time, I joined Match.com. I remember taking Andrew to breakfast and telling him that I was joining and that I was hoping to start dating a little bit and fretting about what his reaction might be. There really was no reaction - he was fine with it. I could cross that off the list to worry about - I had his blessing! I'm sure you read my blog post after I had my first date. It is my single post that has the highest statistic for views. That man was certainly nice, and I enjoyed myself, but more important than that was the fact that I had overcome my fear! It was like jumping off a cliff! I had survived! The rest is history. Then John came along. One date with him and I knew I had met someone special......very special. I cancelled my membership to Match.com. The rest is history.
I have goals for 2013. I need to continue my weight-loss journey, I need to focus on being more financially independent, I need to help Andrew make some choices about what he is going to do in life. I want to start a website for Just Julie, I want to expand my garden, I need to reduce clutter in my home. I am now confident that I can now do anything! Anything I set my mind to! Should I try to impart some advice on you now that you have been reading for 5 minutes or longer? DO IT! Whatever it is, DO IT! Don't let fear hold you back. If I really think about it I can lament the years I wasted being afraid. But I'm not going to do that. I am just going to be thankful for 2012 and look forward to 2013. Happy, Happy New Year to all of you! Until later! Julie
