Sunday, December 30, 2012

Happy New Year - Welcome 2013!

Hello again friends!  I know I already posted this week, but I decided to do the year-end post while I was thinking about it and had some time.  This year - 2012 - goes down as one of the best years in my 48 years!  So many good things happened, new people became a part of my life, my son is happy and healthy, and my family is well.  I hope you will indulge me as I reflect.

I have been a single mother since 1998 - actually before that - but officially since Andrew was 3.  We moved back to Kirksville because that is where my family was.  I had no burning desire to return to my roots, but realized that I couldn't do this alone.  In retrospect, this was a very, very wise move.  I now see that raising my son in this small community built stronger family ties, afforded us a comfortable living, and allowed Andrew to grow up in a "village" of people who love and care for him.  The same things that made me hate Kirksville as I was growing up were the things that made me love it raising my own child.  Andrew was my first and only priority, and it was easy.  For years, I never gave a second thought to what I wanted, that didn't matter.  It was all about Andrew.  I believed that there wasn't any time for anything else in my life............and there really wasn't.

Fast forward several years.  I began to recognize that there needed to be more in my life and threw myself into community and church activities.  Andrew and I were so busy we met ourselves coming and going.  There was a deep sense of gratification that came with all the good things we did, but I was still lacking the sense that there was anything in my life that was for me.  I convinced myself that I would never have a relationship again - in fact, I avoided a formal divorce because I thought it would keep me "safe".  Of course now I see how silly that was!  It only trapped me in a perpetual sense or limbo - this "temporary place" of in between.  Finally, I was divorced in 2010 and set out on a journey that has changed my life.

The reason that I need to include this history in my post is because without this piece of the puzzle, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that I took the gigantic steps I took in 2012.   On the contrary, it was a HUGE deal.  I need to give some credit to a book I read cover to cover named Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  This book had been recommended to me years before by a counselor but, for whatever reason, I decided to read it and really see how it related to my life.  I spent many hours, tears, and tantrums realizing that I was a CLASSIC CODEPENDENT!  IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!  I recognized myself in each and every chapter.  I saw that I had devoted my life to fixing things for everyone in my life, but never myself.  It was as if a 1000 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders. It gave me permission to begin thinking about what I wanted in life. To NOT always focus on making others happy at the expense of my own happiness.  This was the turning point, but I wasn't quite there yet.

I began to focus on what I wanted.  Still to this day I think it sounds selfish, but I learned the word "no."  It became easier as time went on.  I saw myself begin to open up, be more willing to invite people into my life, and begin to trust again.  I started to blog, and began making necklaces.  I found that people really liked me (yes, you read that right - I always assumed people just tolerated me) and that they appreciated what I did.  I sold necklaces and gained more self-confidence.  The thought in my head became, "Maybe, maybe there could be something more for me out there." I came to the realization that my "temporary" life had become permanent - and what did I have to show for it?

Enter 2012!  The first step I took was to be intentional and deliberate about taking better care of myself.  I had been trying to lose weight casually for the year previous, but 2012 saw me get very motivated!  After some initial success, I began to walk daily.  I walked and walked and walked.........and I loved it! I tried to do some jogging, but that wasn't for me.  I was content to walk.  Most days I walked 2 - 2.5 miles and saw weight begin to fall off.  Honestly, I can pinpoint an 8 week period in the spring of 2012 where I dropped about 25 pounds.  Greek yogurt, fruits and veggies, and chicken were my staples.  Andrew thrived as well.  I felt SO much better, I didn't have digestion problems I had battled for years, and I was losing weight.  Why had I waited so long to do this?  (Again, emotional insulation) During the same time, I joined Match.com.  I remember taking Andrew to breakfast and telling him that I was joining and that I was hoping to start dating a little bit and fretting about what his reaction might be.  There really was no reaction - he was fine with it.  I could cross that off the list to worry about - I had his blessing!  I'm sure you read my blog post after I had my first date.  It is my single post that has the highest statistic for views.  That man was certainly nice, and I enjoyed myself, but more important than that was the fact that I had overcome my fear!  It was like jumping off a cliff!  I had survived!  The rest is history.  Then John came along.  One date with him and I knew I had met someone special......very special.  I cancelled my membership to Match.com. The rest is history.

I have goals for 2013.  I need to continue my weight-loss journey, I need to focus on being more financially independent, I need to help Andrew make some choices about what he is going to do in life.  I want to start a website for Just Julie, I want to expand my garden, I need to reduce clutter in my home.  I am now confident that I can now do anything!  Anything I set my mind to!  Should I try to impart some advice on you now that you have been reading for 5 minutes or longer?  DO IT!  Whatever it is, DO IT!  Don't let fear hold you back.  If I really think about it I can lament the years I wasted being afraid.  But I'm not going to do that.  I am just going to be thankful for 2012 and look forward to 2013. Happy, Happy New Year to all of you!  Until later!  Julie

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