By The Grace Of God

Hello friends!  It has been so long, and I have no explanation except to say that I have been busy………but we are all busy!  Part of the reason I have been neglecting my blog is that I have fallen behind in my quest for health and fitness.  I stopped walking during early this year and haven't been able to get back in a routine.  I have struggled with hip and knee pain, so it is hard to get myself moving.  This isn't a reasonable excuse because, of course, I know that the more I move, the more I will be able to manage joint pain. I plan on talking to the doctor about these issues at my yearly exam in January.  I'm not back to square one, but I am watching the scale inch up!  That DOESN'T make me happy!

What DOES make me happy is John.  He is a blessing in so many ways.  It is hard to imagine that 18 months have passed!  My life is so different!  Even though the "newness" of our relationship has dwindled, it has been replaced by a real, lasting sense of love, security, and peace.  I have wanted a relationship like this all my life.  He is wonderful and truly my soul mate.

I was doing some reflection the other day compliments of Katy Perry.  Her newest album came out in October.  I have always enjoyed her whimsical music, but her latest music has an entirely different tone.  I was initially drawn to the song named "Roar", but was entirely blown away by the song entitled, "By The Grace Of God."  This song hit a nerve in me!  I had read that Katy Perry had written the music on this album in her post-divorce life.  This song, "By The Grace Of God" is spot on.  I think I have written in previous blogs about the pain of divorce.  It is intense, and unimaginatively gut-wrenching.  Without telling you all the dark details, I found myself questioning the very need to get out of bed in the morning.  I can look back on that time now and know that without Andrew, I'm not sure what I might have been capable of.  There were many, many nights when I cried myself to sleep, and one particularly dark day in Florida when I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for 3 hours wondering how long I could lay there before anyone would find me. (See lyrics of song)  BTW:  No one came and found me on the floor……………….

Pain can be so raw, so biting, so intimate.  It invades your life and consumes you.  I may or may not have written about this before, but my pre-divorce world included NO OTHER DIVORCED PEOPLE.  None of my family, close friends, or close colleagues had been through a divorce.  Even now, I don't have many people in my life who have been through this process.  I have been blessed in life not to have to deal with much tragedy, but divorce is a tragedy. Regardless of the reason.  This, I have learned!  I also don't think that people understand that pain until they have gone through it.

Anyway, Katy Perry's song took all of those raw, painful feelings and put them in a song.  I am including the lyrics here:

BY THE GRACE OF GOD

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more mourning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Music often allows us to express emotion that can't be spoken in words.  I believe Katy Perry has done that in this song.  I applaud her courage, wish I had been as strong.  The thing is, no matter what the reason for the divorce, the pain is the same.  I felt like a total failure……for years!  I allowed it to define me, hold me back, paralyze me in fear……….but no more!  If you read the lyrics of Ms. Perry's song, there is a change in the 2nd verse.  It really is like this!

I vow to be more sensitive to people going through this.  While it is happening to you, it is easy to think you are the only person who ever felt like this, but that's not true.  Not true at all!  It is much easier to pick yourself back up and look in the mirror when you know you are not the only person feeling this way.  Thank you Katy Perry for sharing your pain in a beautiful way and for voicing all the deep, dark secrets I had!  Until next time friends!  Just Julie

PS:  I tried to attach a link to the song on You Tube.  I see that the link is there, but I wasn't very successful with it.  You might want to go and just type in the name of the song.  It will be worth your time.  I promise!


http://youtu.be/QArN5rFv-uQ

Sing A Song

Hello Friends!  Most of you know that I sing.  I sing a lot!  I sing all the time........in my house, in the shower, in my car, at school in my head...................everywhere.  I think I was born singing!  In our spring concert for the Kirksville Community Choir, we are singing this wonderful song from Sesame Street - "Sing"  Remember that song?  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song.  I loved it when I was younger - although I wasn't a Sesame Street child.  I am too old to be from the Sesame Street generation, but it was on the television in our house because of my brother.  Some songs just make you happy and this is one of them!  It really captures my philosophy about singing.  Before I tell you my philosophy, maybe I should give you some history.

Music has always come easily to me.  It's a part of my life - much like my left arm.  I could function with just my right arm, but everything is better when I can use both!  Music is there when we are happy, when we are sad, when we are celebrating, and when we are mourning.  Music has a way of expressing feelings much more easily than our words can - at least for me.  It has always allowed me to say things that I can't find the courage to say in spoken words.  I took piano lessons when I was 8 or 9 years old and then started again when I was 12 or so.  Music is something that you have for your entire life.  I still play the piano - albeit not well - when I find the time to sit down and enjoy it.  Singing is even better than that because you have it with you all the time.............but I digress.  I sang all through school in various choirs - the kindergarten glee club, music classes and concerts, jr high choir, church choirs and finally the high school choir.  I was not, however, a soloist until college and after.  I was asked to sing in my first wedding the summer before my freshman year of college.  I had a year to get used to the idea and prepare.  An important person in my life at that time was skeptical about my ability to do this.  He/she told me that they "didn't think I was that good."  That was a challenge to me!  Now this person wasn't being mean, I think she/he just didn't think that I was up to the task.  I wanted to be a soloist!  I began to work hard.  I sang all the time after that, mostly in my car.  Even after this person was no longer in my life, I continued to sing.  I sang at my cousin's wedding the summer after my freshman year and never looked back. I took vocal lessons one spring at NMSU and learned how to breathe correctly.  I sang in many of my sorority sisters' weddings and learned that I COULD do this.  Crowds didn't much bother me and I had been exposed to lots of large audiences through my piano and choir experiences.  Singing in front of 500 people or more isn't an issue for me.  There is, however, a secret.  I have a personal philosophy that allows me not to worry about being a soloist at all!

The Sesame Street song says "Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song."  That's my philosophy.  I sing my best.  If people don't like it, they won't ask me again.  That's it!  I know that seems kind of harsh, but it allows me to throw out my worry about people getting what they want when they ask me to sing.  I sang at a lovely benefit on Saturday for the Genesis House in Edina, MO.  I loved the song I sang, so I felt comfortable.  I just walked up on stage, put on my pink glasses (which blur everything out in the audience because they are readers) picked up the mic, and started to sing.  I usually look in the audience for a friendly face - last night it was John in the front row.  As usual, the first phrase was a bit shakey, but then my philosophy kicked in!  I can't be nervous  - that's silly!  What's the worst that could happen?  They won't ask me again.  Problem solved!  From then on I sang well.  (at least I think I did!)  Here's the thing.  I.LOVE.IT!  That's why I do it.

So, friends, SING!  Don't worry that it's not good enough, for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song!  Enjoy the beautiful spring weather.  I know I am!  Until next time,   Just Julie

25 Random Things Revisited

I discovered Facebook in 2008.  No, not like Al Gore discovered the internet, but it was new to me in 2008.  I told myself that I was joining because I wanted to make sure I knew about it before Andrew decided he wanted a page.  Very, very quickly, I was addicted.  One of the things that was popular then was doing these "Notes" posts where you tag all your friends and they read yours and were then expected to write one too.  People don't do that as much now.  Anyway, I have always been a pretty private person, so there were a LOT of people who knew absolutely NOTHING about me except in what I would call an acquaintance way.  I was able to fool a lot of people about the state of my personal life.  I put on a brave face and acted happy and bubbly most of the time.  That's what people saw, but it wasn't reality.  The reality was that I was pretty miserable and had been for many, many years.

When this "25 Random Things About Me" post came along I did nothing for a long time. (see number 6 on the list)  Reading others' lists gave me the courage to write my own, which took me several days.(again, see number 6 on the list)  I changed my Facebook profile picture this week and the pic came from 2008.  I am smiling and looking pretty happy, but inside I was dying.  It made me think about these 25 things I wrote and published.  When I looked back at the list, I am SHOCKED at how many of them are no longer true.  In any way!  5 years later I am a different (better) person...............maybe I have Facebook to thank!  Here is the original list in black ink.  The comments I make now will be in red ink. Some of this is interesting, some of it is sad, and some is just pathetic.  LOL

25 Things About Me

25.  This scares the begeebees out of me.  This is WAY more exposure than I am comfortable with.

This has lessened somewhat, but I still don't like feeling exposed and vulnerable.

24.  I have trust issues – big surprise – that come from being burned in personal relationships.

I have worked through most of this - I now surrounded by people whom I can trust and depend on. 

23.  I am afraid of bridges, birds, mice, and squirrels. 

No change here.  Still a freak!

22.  I enjoy doing things alone.  I really do!  That doesn’t mean I don’t like being with family and friends, it just means being alone feels like a guilty pleasure.

I still enjoy alone time, but don't have to have as much.  :) 

21.  I believe that music is a language, and speaking it makes me feel good.  I sing all the time – I learned to be a soloist singing in my car!  I love the feeling I have when my voice is warmed up and I don’t have to work to sing, it just comes out.

Still get joy from this.  It will never change. 

20.  I am surrounded by people who love me very much.  I need to be willing to accept that love more unconditionally.

I am better about this.  I have allowed more people in and am able to just accept their love and friendship as a joy.

19.  I am not comfortable in my own skin and try to cover that by having nice things.

Ok, maybe I am a bit more confident, but I have also learned that most people feel this way about some aspect of their life...........so, I'm normal! (Ha!  I know it's a relative term!)

18.  I have seen every episode of “Friends” multiple times.  I reference “Friends” all the time, mostly Chandler.

Still love "Friends" but watch more "Big Bang Theory".  I think I might be most like...........you fill in the blank.

17.  I watch people and tend to imitate traits I am attracted to.  Sometimes that makes me feel disingenuous.

Yep, still do this, but am seeing more of me now.

16.  I worry about everything.  I worry for other people.  I wake up in the night worrying.  Every night!

I worry, I have always worried, and I will always worry.

15.  I fear the best part of my life is over. 

NOT TRUE AT ALL!  I know NOW the best part of my life is just beginning!

14.  I don’t know how people ever have intimate, personal relationships after a marriage ends.  I just don’t think I can do it.

This one is GONE.  When the right person comes along, it happens.

13.  I long for unconditional love like my parents, Tracy and Mike, and Rob and Jenn have.  They really, truly, love each other.

Found it!  Not a void in my life anymore!  Hooray and thank you John!

12.  I have friends from my childhood that were some of the best choices I ever made.  I want that for Andrew and probably try a little too hard to find him his Mo and Tracey.

Still true, but have some new friends too............

11.  I do not like Kate Gosselin. I do like Colin Firth.  In everything he does!

Good grief - who is Kate Gosselin (kidding) and I still love my Colin Firth.

10.  I am not divorced.  It just hasn’t happened yet.

Done!  2010 - Fear no longer held me back..........and I SURVIVED!

9.  I wish I had as many friends as my sister Tracy has – although I wouldn’t like to be on the phone that much.  She is a good friend to all and gets it back multiplied.  I envy that.

I think I do have as many friends now..............and now it is texting, Facebooking, and Facebook chatting.  I do it all.  Thank GOD for unlimited texting.

8.  My brother is very, very good at what he does.  He knows a lot and is a great husband and father.  I admire that.

Still the same, nothing different here.

7.  I feel uncomfortable in groups.  It makes me sad that I feel like I never fit in.

Still true in some ways, but I do fit in now.  It was all in my own perceptions!

6.  I think a very, very long time about what I say.  I practice, write the words down, and wait a long time.  This sometimes makes me seem callous.

This is still true.  Very, very true.  

5.  I eat because I am lonely.  It “insulates” me from pain in personal relationships.

I overcame this last year and lost 36 pounds.  Now I have to get back "on the wagon".

4.  I married an “ideal”.  I have learned what I DON’T want, but I don’t really know what I DO want. 

Yep, I knew what I DIDN'T want, and now I know what I DO want!  

3.  A big house, fancy car, and lots of “stuff” used to seem important.  It isn’t important at all anymore. (although I still love nice things)

Well, being poor makes you humble and appreciate that you have all your basic needs met.  Everything else is just gravy.

2.  I somehow have a reputation of being organized, but I am not.  I swear they took my brain out with my uterus!

I am trying so hard to get better organized.  In some ways it is better and in some ways it is worse.  I like to call it a work in progress!  I still like to blame my scattered brain on my missing "lady parts"

1.  I want to be happy, but sometimes I am not.

Most of the time I was not.  Now, most of the time I am happy.  Genuinely, totally, and entirely happy. Sickeningly happy as my sister says.  I never, ever want to go back.  Ever!

So, friends, if you ever think you can't make changes in your life, rethink that!  If I can do it, ANYONE can!  You just have to be willing to open up and let people know those 25 THINGS ABOUT YOU!

Until later,  Julie

My Joy

Hello Friends!  It has been a long while since I last posted.  It's Saturday night, I'm cozy in my jammies, and the cold weather is on the other side of the wall.  My life is, in a lot of ways, very much like it has been for the 15 years I have been living in Kirksville.  But my life is NOT like it has been the 14 years before this one.  Almost everything is different.  FOR THE BETTER!

My journey to find joy has been long and bumpy.  Certainly I have not attained all of my goals.  There is much I still want to do:  continue to lose weight, build a website for Just Julie, become more financially secure, walk a 5k.......there are many things on my list.  I'll get there, I am sure of that.  I am much more confident now that I can do almost anything I set my mind to.

I put on Facebook this week that I haven't enjoyed Valentine's Day for roughly 17 years, and that is true.  I also put on there that John has changed my life.  That statement is very true and I thank God for him each and everyday.  A friend commented, however, that John was wonderful and certainly a blessing, but that I had changed my life.  She is correct!  I did!  And once I started, it all seemed pretty easy!  Imagine that!

Much of my transformation happened out of public view.  Small, small steps that built my courage, confidence, and resolve.  The public-part was at the beginning of Just Julie.  It was a new piece of my identity and I enjoy it very much.  Each stepping stone led to the next, and I was encouraged.  One year ago this week, though, was a biggie!  I went on a date.  No, it was not with John.  It was with a very nice man and I was terrified.  It became my most-read blog post ever!  I was a mess - really, I was.  My friends and the poor people I work with had to deal with me.  For that I apologize!  LOL  Truth be told,   he was not a good fit for me, but it opened my eyes that maybe, just maybe, there would be someone out there for me.  There was not a long string of other first dates, there was only one - John.  If I am honest, I knew he was the right man for me very quickly, and I think the same thing happened for him. He brings me so much joy!  He loves me - the real me - and still comes back to Kirksville every week. (We have been together every weekend since April 7)

So, here I sit on a Saturday night, cozy in my jammies, sitting here watching the NBA AllStar Dunking Contest with my son on the couch and John in the chair next to me wearing his jammies and I can honestly say that my life has changed.  For the good!  My joy is overflowing and I intend to keep it there!  Happy Valentine's Day friends.  Go find your joy!  It is worth the work and worth every step of the journey.