Faith

This post is not particularly easy to write, but it is long overdue.  Some of you know that I have taken a break from church in recent months.  This was by choice, and the time was right.  By now you know that I have had a difficult couple of years.  Honestly, I have had a difficult 12 years!  I am only now emerging from that fog and trying to find myself anew.  I was raised in the church and worship has been a HUGE part of my life always.  It was how I developed and shared my music, and was always part of my identity.  Things like "You are Julie from the Methodist church." or "I recognize you from church." have always been things I hear from people.  Truth is, for a long time, that was the only outlet I allowed myself. In the last year, however, I have looked at things in my life and asked the question, "Why?"  I discovered something interesting - I didn't go to church because I wanted to, I went to church because I was expected to.  There is a difference!  Often I enjoyed my time there, but sometimes it was just something else to cross off the list.

The time presented itself last fall to take a break and Andrew and I took it.  I didn't tell anyone the reason for my absence - that was between me and God.  At first, I didn't miss church.  I missed people, but not church and I thought that maybe I would not go back, or at least change to a different church.  Changing churches was never going to work, however, because my church was where I belong - each and every time I walk through the doors of the sanctuary I think of my grandfather working the day those huge beams came together at the apex of the sanctuary.  Anyway, I began to love Sunday mornings at home. I never had any obligations on Sunday other than church, so lounging, cooking breakfast, doing housework - all those tasks got a couple of extra minutes.

My family didn't even know what was going on in my head.  Some people had an idea about why I was gone, but that wasn't really the reason - although, again, the opportunity presented itself.  Mostly it was a feeling of selfishness - I had gone to church all those years and my life just wasn't getting any easier.  I was praying for things that weren't happening. I have been blessed, very blessed, in my life but it just all seems like a struggle.  Nothing can be easy and nothing seems to ever go according to my plan.  I know, don't say it, I know!  God makes the plans and He has the vision, but I am a control-freak.  I want to be in control.  Is that too much to ask?  Clearly, I had been to church but had never heard the message!

Last week I went back to church because the youth and their parents were starting the "Love, Sex, and Dating" series in Sunday School.  Andrew and I needed to do this, so off we went.  Sunday school was pleasant and much less painful than we both thought it would be.  We headed upstairs to the sanctuary for worship.  It was nice.  I sat with my family and Andrew and I enjoyed it.  There was an announcement about a women's retreat the next Saturday and on a whim I bought a ticket.  This morning I headed out the door for this retreat and really, really needed it.  While I have not come to terms with all my control issues, I know that God has a plan for me!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Here I am out the door this morning!  'Til later - Julie