Finding Mr. Darcy

Hello friends!  It's been a long time, but I've been thinking about this post for a long time.  It should come as NO surprise that I have had an obsession with Colin Firth for many years now.  I love him!  My original passion stemmed from his role in the Bridget Jones movies.  As sad as it is, I was not very aware of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice masterpiece as a youth.  I never read it, although I had heard of it.  I made the assumption, as young people often do, that it would be boring because it was so old and un-hip.  It is with maturity that we realize that many of the things we dismiss in our early years are actually something we adore.  Because of this, I had no idea the basis for the Mark Darcy character.  It was only later, after I watched the Pride and Prejudice movie with Keira Knightly that the light bulb went off.  AHA!  I realized I had missed something!  I then went back and researched and discovered that Colin Firth had played Mr. Darcy in the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice in the 1990's.  I ordered the DVD set and fell instantly IN LOVE!  Seriously, where were men like this?  I hadn't ever dated one.  Now mind you, I don't want to give you the opinion that I dated losers.  I never did.  To be perfectly honest, I had one boyfriend in high school and didn't date much at all in college.  I am sure that we could do lots of Freudian exploration about why.  This would be a whole other blog!

The themes that make up the story of Pride and Prejudice are timeless!  We all dismiss people in our lives for various reasons - many for judgements we make based on random incidents or experiences.  Ok, maybe we don't all do it, but I certainly have been guilty of that.  Believe it or not, I am an introvert when it comes to building relationships with people.  Some of this has come from age, but most of it comes from wearing my heart proudly on my sleeve as a young woman and getting it trounced time after time.  I was always sure that the very next guy that took an interest in me was just going to "fall head over heels in love with me!"  Let me tell you, that didn't happen!  I began to look at relationships as a compromise......ignore the bad traits if possible and try to build on the good things a person has to offer.  Even that got my heart broken many times.  Then I was 25 and realized that it was time for me to get married.  Did I want to be married?  Yes!  Did I choose the right spouse?  No, although I must say that my son's father is a wonderful man who has many fantastic qualities.  Honestly, he was everyone's favorite guy in college - something that attracted me to him a great deal.  Again, Freud................

During my journey of self-discovery I began to focus more on what I needed which led me to examine my desire for a male companion in life.  I was so sure I wasn't ever going to find him, I didn't allow myself to look and focused on my "ideal" - Mr. Darcy! (Colin Firth) I'm going to say right here that I am quite sure Mr. Firth probably HATES being compared to the fictional Mr. Darcy and hears it from multiple angles way too often.  This blog, however, is about me.  Since I am quite sure I will never meet Colin Firth, I am going to indulge myself a bit.  I could watch the movies and laugh and/or cry and go to sleep at night dreaming about someone who might love me "just as you are" - as it was stated in the Bridget Jones movie.  Imagine someone who just loved me for just me!  All the good things, but all the warts too.  That was what I wanted!  I was so convinced I would never find it, I made sure my life was sufficiently closed off to the point that any possibility of a relationship was impossible.  I stayed there a long time.  I closed myself off, isolated my feelings, and told myself I was happy.  If I said I was happy and acted like I was happy it had to be true, right?

Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy, what is it about you?  I think it is the wall, the barrier he created among people who were acquaintances.  Pride?  Yes, but also a vulnerability.  Like a hint of something more under the surface.  As more is revealed, you begin to feel so privileged to be allowed in.  Then, wham, you see the real person, the pride, the flaws, but also the depth of feelings and you fall in love.  You are the ONLY one allowed to see the fierce passion and love behind the facade and that's it.  Such intimacy! Not the love of youth, burning like a flash fire, but much deeper.  And, no, I'm not talking about physical intimacy, more of an emotional intimacy.  Knowing that Mr. Darcy would protect Miss Elizabeth Bennett with everything he was.........did protect her..................  I don't know, it's like it gave me hope that people really did have relationships like that.  I didn't, but maybe others did.  I knew LOTS of happily married people.

Thus, my obsession with Mr. Darcy.  Colin Firth is nothing but a symbol for what I longed for.  You know what?  I don't have to rely on Colin anymore, I have my own Mr. Darcy...........although his name is John.  I haven't watched a Bridget Jones movie in a long, long time - but I did watch Pride and Prejudice over Spring Break.  I didn't cry.  I used to.  That's real progress.  In fact, real life replaced fiction in my life about 2 years ago.  2 years ago next week!  Thanks Jane Austen, thanks Match.com, and THANKS John!  I love you and I know you love me "just the way I am."

Until later friends!  Just Julie