This blog has been silent for such a long time because I didn't feel like I could make any posts until I wrote this one. This one had to be next, but I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready, really, but the time has come:
Summer is my time to relax, rejuvenate, and recharge. Not this past summer. Summer held many stressful events and a couple of surprises this year. Now, I don't want you to think I am whining. I know that people go through hardship each and every day, but this summer knocked me on my ass! I have been surrounded with a loving, strong family all of my life. I was nurtured, taught, supported, loved, and enabled to become an independent, responsible woman. Family can be smothering at times, but when the going gets tough, we really learn who we can depend on. The Colton side of my family is wonderful and more reserved. I grew up with cousins that became friends that I cherish to this day. Grammy, Grandy, Uncle Frank and Aunt Linda were (are) an important and special part of my life. As for the Schneider side of the family, I was the first grandchild, the first girl after three boys, and very much loved! (As were my sister and brother, along with the cousins that followed) Some of my most fond childhood memories are from the oval table in the kitchen of that house across from the Primary school in Kirksville. This blog is about my Schneider family.
In my life there were always these very strong, dependable men. Grandpa Earl, Dad, Gary, these Schneider men were my "heroes". When there was a need - they were there. Often, I felt that was intrusive, but looking back.................I am so fortunate! Dad always provided what we needed, when something needed to be built - including a doghouse for a dog I should have never had - Grandpa was there, and when it came time to move across the country Gary, Pennie, and the kids loaded up a trailer and hauled it to Washington. These men are the foundation of my world! Always there, always strong, always loving. Grandpa died before he was able to meet my son Andrew - his namesake - but I know he and Grandma have watched from heaven and love my son as much as they loved me.
Fast forward - I returned to Kirksville in 1998, needing the love and support and shelter of my family. Of course, they were there. This time it didn't feel intrusive; this time it felt cocooning. I retreated into the shelter they provided and attempted to heal. Mom and Dad were my rock and Gary was there whenever I asked for help. I didn't ask often, but when I did he dropped everything and came running! Gary and I had a very special relationship. The age differences in the Schneider family were odd. My father was 13 years older than his brother (Gary) and I was only 10 years younger than Gary. He was my "knight in shining armor" growing up - the coolest thing since sliced bread - and was still that pillar of strength now as an adult. He was always there - and was always able to help when Mom and Dad needed help. In fact, I didn't have to feel entirely responsible for making decisions - Gary was always there to bounce ideas off of. When there was a problem - Gary was the man. When Andrew's truck stopped in the middle of the highway - Gary was the man to call. When we needed a place to hold Andrew's graduation party that was outdoors and handicapped accessible - my father had been very ill in March and Andrew's other grandfather had serious mobility issues - Gary provided the place; that same home and yard across from the Primary school in Kirksville - the wonderful place of my memories.
We knew Gary hadn't been feeling tip top - he was struggling with some lingering respiratory issue, but none of us knew how poorly he felt. I was committed to making the graduation party as stress-free as possible for Gary and Pennie, and we even used the camper kitchen instead of using their indoor kitchen for the party. The day of the party we were getting everything put together and it became more clear to me that something was going on with Gary, but he insisted that it was just allergies and that he had been to the doctor. The party was a HUGE success, Gary and Rob were the grill masters for some awesome brats, and everything went off without a hitch. The nagging concern about my uncle fell to the back of my mind as we all set our sights on my father and his hip replacement surgery in June. We got periodic updates from Pennie; Gary had seen the doctor several more times, but nothing definitive had surfaced. He just didn't feel well. Then came the first day of July.
Dad was inpatient at the hospital for rehab on the hip and we had word that Gary had entered the ER at NERMC. We knew he was going to go, as he hadn't been able to eat and keep food down for a couple of weeks. The diagnosis came quickly and he was transferred to Columbia on that same day. Gary had lung cancer. Advanced lung cancer. He had been a heavy smoker, so it wasn't unexplainable, but it was devastating, of course. They were able to shrink the tumors with radiation and make him more comfortable and sent him home the next week. The wait began for the diagnosis and the treatment plan. I saw him three times after that, and cried each time I left. Three weeks passed - 17 days. Gary had an appointment in Columbia on a Friday and Dad had an appointment with his doctor on a Thursday. It was decided that we would take Dad to see Gary after his appointment. Andrew and I met Mom and Dad at Gary's house. Pennie said Gary wasn't having a good day, and Dad wanted to go home. Something inside me snapped. "NO! You are going in today! We are not waiting ANOTHER day!" I am so glad I threw this tantrum. Gary died the next day. He had been in and out of awareness for several days, but when Dad entered the room he called him "Geno" Gary often called Dad that, so I knew he recognized him. That was it, Gary died the next day - the 18th day. I was in Des Moines by then, attending a baby shower for John's daughter Tori. Honestly, I didn't cry. It was more like shock! I kept walking around, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I just remember my eyes being open, John staying right at my side, and going through the motions of the weekend.
The visitation was brutal. We stood in line for 3 hours greeting friends. What a testament to this man that was such a large part of my life. I was strong - have been strong. The service was lovely. I offered to try to sing, but I wasn't sure I really could and Heath and Carrie and Pennie decided it wasn't a good idea for me to even try. They planned recorded music for the service. When we arrived and saw the order of service, the name of the first song seemed so strange. Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan. "Oh, no!" I thought. "What in the world is this?" I hadn't heard the song, was only marginally aware of Mr. Bryan as a performer, and haven't traditionally been a fan of country music - although my stance had been wavering with the entrance of John Henderson in my life.
We sat in the family room at the funeral home - one row behind Pennie, Heath, and Carrie. Let me tell you, I will never, ever question Heath Schneider on song choices again. That song - Drink A Beer - was PERFECT. It was the PERFECT song for Gary. I can picture him, laughing with his head back, drinking a beer in so many of my memories. I loved my Uncle Gary so much, I miss him so much. My life would not be the same without him, isn't the same without him. I don't know how to explain it except by saying that a "layer" of my family is missing. There were my grandparents, my parents, Gary, and my siblings. My grandparents passed away - as they do. My parents are aging -
as they do, but Gary isn't supposed to be gone! It wasn't his time, it's not fair and I have been angry! The anger has subsided now, but the hole is still gaping. We don't speak of love in the Schneider family often, but it is there. It is ALWAYS there - strong and unwavering! I hope that I offer even a 10th of the support to Gary's children and grandchildren as he provided me.
Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan
Thank you for writing your blog. I honestly didn't know my dad was having respiratory issues. I didn't even know he wasn't feeling well or right until Heath called me and told me to call dad and tell him to go to the doctor. Heath already knew he had lung cancer without the doctors saying anything. I called dad and told him he needed to go to the doctor. He got mad at me and said he would go tomorrow and then hung up on me (ha). He did end up going to the doctor and they sent him to Columbia immediately which is when the doctors informed us he had stage four lung cancer which is incurable. It was hard being around dad while at the hospital because he wasn't himself and he had to undergo so many tests which just seemed to torture him more. He wanted to fight the cancer and never gave up. I appreciated that he allowed use to be part of the discussions with the doctors and was open with us about everything. I was lucky enough to be able to bring him home from the hospital after the first week he was there and he was back to himself; we were able to have a normal conversation and I got to laugh with him. I brought the kids to the house to see him as himself also because they saw him at the hospital and I wanted them to remember him being good. I had to have a lot of talks with the kids about grandpa not going to live much longer and being really nice to him. They both made it easier for me because they weren't really that sad; they made it seem peaceful and ok. They both knew grandpa would be going to heaven and they would see him again some day and he would be back with his parents, brother, and all of our dogs who have passed. I was supposed to work the day of his follow up appointment in Columbia. At the last minute I convinced myself I needed to go and support dad because we were supposed to go over his test results. I am so thankful I went because I got to hold his hand and try to comfort him as he passed away that day. I hate the picture of him in my memory of him looking like death and breathing the death rattle, but I know I would have never forgiven myself if I wasn't able to be with him and wasn't able to say goodbye that day. I believe my dad knew that day would be his last which is why he fought us not to go. I do feel as if going to the hospital that day made him pass in less pain which gives me some comfort. I have also been very angry and agree he left way too early. I was not prepared to only have eighteen days left with my dad and then never see him again. I have so many good memories of my dad that I now think about him every day and smile, I miss him a lot, but I do feel he is always with me.
ReplyDeleteI HATE that my children didn't get to know him; Kaylie will remember him, but not get to know him like I wish she could have. Hunter will only remember him through pictures and stories. I HATE that my dad misses seeing my children learn and grow. Every time Kaylie does well in a sport I think that my dad would be so proud of her and remember how much sports meant to him and how much he supported me. I realize that I am a lot like my dad and am very passionate about my children playing sports and doing well. I try to play sports with them all of the time as my dad did with me. I HATE that my mom and dad were robbed of getting to retire and enjoy their life together; they had so many plans and they deserved to be happy. The only vacations they ever took were for us to play sports. I HATE that my mom is all alone. You are right, the Schneider family doesn't say I love you or show a lot of affection, but it is always there. Our actions have always spoken louder than our words and we support each other. My dad always helped anyone in need and was so dependable to count on. He would buy me whatever I needed; a new water heater, tires, lap top, etc.....just to make sure that I was ok.
ReplyDeleteI am lucky to have awesome in-laws and family. I am as close to my father-in-law and mother-in-law as my own parents so they are a big support to me. My father-in-law asked me how I am able to get over my father passing; his dog that he had for almost thirteen years passed away recently and he admitted he just can't get over it. I am able to deal with my father passing because part of me is still waiting to see him again; I still have his text message on my phone with his picture and his phone number and Facebook page on my phone so I can see him. I look for him in the clouds and swear I see him riding by on his motorcycle. I believe he is happy in heaven and is with me everyday. I hope to be more like him. I agree that the Luke Bryan song fits my dad perfect and that is how I will always remember him :)